Monday, December 31, 2007

Ellen DeGeneres Can't Dance

One of the most cringeworthy television moments one possibly has to endure is watching the opening sequence in the Ellen DeGeneres Show when Ellen starts to dance. Ellen can not help herself. She can not NOT dance. Every bloody show after she does her intro, the music comes on and then she prances around the stage and shimmies into the crowd with her embarrassing dance moves. AAarrrgh! This cringefest is enough to send shivers down my spine while my sphincter muscles tighten up in response to the unbearable scenes.

The bizarre thing is that the crowd absolutely lap it up. There must be something in the alcohol err, I mean, the water, they hand out to the studio audience. Some of these excitable women are just begging for Ellen to gyrate with them and perform her robot dance moves. They're absolutely loving it as they bounce around and dance like idiots along with Ellen. Maybe they think the TV cameras pointed at them aren't real?

Let me say that I don't actually watch the Ellen Degeneres Show on a regular basis. It's just that when you're channel surfing and you come across such a hideous sight as Ellen dancing, you can't bring yourself to change channel. It's like watching a horrible road accident. Let's hope other TV hosts don't get bitten by the "Gotta Dance" bug.

Right, I'll get my coat.....

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Friday, November 30, 2007

Don't You Just Love The French?

They really are ridiculous people. French people try to be so artistic, refined and act so pompous to the rest of the world as if they're better, even though they've never even won a military conflict. The French can be such tryhards especially when it comes to the fashion world.

The recent ATP Paris Masters Series tennis event was marked by some bizarre fashion statement at the awards ceremony. There seemed to be a great abundance of models wearing see-through tops for some reason?!?! They might as well have been topless.

The winner of the tournament David Nalbandian was probably smirking at how ridiculous the models looked while at the same time enjoying the view. There's a time and place for perving at lovely shaped breasts and nipples but surely it isn't during the trophy presentation at a prestigious tennis tournament. What were the French organisers thinking?

Right, I'll get my coat.....

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Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Obese People Should Pay For 2 Seats

Have you ever had that feeling? When you're sitting on a plane and then you spot this really obese dude or woman in the distance. They're making their way down the aisle and seemingly in your direction. The reality of the situation sets in. Electrical impulses rush through your spine and head as the overweight monster slowly approaches your row of seats. Small beads of sweat start to break out on your forehead. Oh bugger, they're about to sit down next to you.

A giant woosh of air cascades across the surrounding area as the beast plonks their fat ass down on the seat next to you. You squirm uncomfortably as their extra layers of blubber encroach upon your personal space. You silently curse the ticketing lady who did the seat allocation. Your thoughts turn to despair as you wish you could curl up in a fetal position and wail like a baby because you know the upcoming flight is 8 hours long. But there's not enough to space to do that thanks to the "lunchbox" who is seated next to you.

You want to scream but you're worried that angering the beast next to you may result in oneself being sat on. You start to rationalise. Maybe I'll just keep quiet and hope that when it's meal time, "lunchbox" over there won't demand my meal as well. Then your feelings turn to resentment and anger. Surely the airline should have implemented some sort of "Fat Flyers Program" to prevent all this needless suffering. Of course they could be more tactful and call it a "slow metabolism tax". Either way, airlines should make obese people pay for 2 seats. Skinny people should not have to suffer, dammit!

Right, I'll get my coat.....

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Sunday, September 30, 2007

Living In Kuala Lumpur

I love living in Malaysia (Truly Asia) but some things really puzzle me about the locals in Kuala Lumpur. My meagre brain is unable to comprehend quite a number of things about the behaviour of certain Malaysians.

During Ramadan, why is it called "fasting" when the people "fasting" are doing everything so slowly? Maybe Ramadan should be a month of "slowing".

Why does the Indian dude taking your order at the "mamak" eatery wiggle his head sideways when you order something as if to say "No" when he really means "Yes"?

Why do the Chinese food vendors charge a higher price than usual if you place your order with them in English instead of Chinese?

How come the punters at Genting casino yell out "PITCHER! PITCHER!" when playing Blackjack? Are they impatiently requesting for another pitcher of beer because they are so thirsty?

Why do people like recording the license plates of motor vehicles involved in accidents and then utilise those numbers for their lottery gambling addiction?

At cinemas, why there is there a dude in one of the prime seats operating some sort of video camera device during the show?

How come motorists that have been pulled over by the police have to hand over money along with their driver's licence? I thought fines are usually paid at some sort of office?

Finally, how come I saw a bloke sprinting very quickly the other day while carrying a ladies handbag before jumping on a passing motorcycle which his mate was driving? Surely he would have been able to run faster to catch up to his mate if he wasn't carrying a handbag?

I know I asked a lot of questions but I am truly confused by all this Malaysian behaviour.

Right, I'll get my coat.....

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Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Britney Spears Disgraceful Advertising

Britney Spears doesn't appear in the media or consumer market enough. In fact, I won't be happy until I'm dancing around in Britney brand clothing doing Britney style dance moves as I watch Britney's latest music video while drinking Britney branded Diet Cola and wearing Britney's latest fragrance. That way, I can really delve into and explore my feminine side. Actually, her latest venture is to release yet another perfume.

This one's called "Believe" because the advertising campaign is trying to convince the hopefully naive public that the picture featured in the advertisement is really what she looks like in 2007. The audience would have to be dumb teeny boppers with no taste in music to buy this idea. Oh wait. Perhaps this advertising campaign does have some merit after all.

My guess is that the image on the right was taken around the year 2000. You know, before she became a joke and before she lowered the world population's average IQ by having 2 kids with tryhard rapper Kevin Federline. Look at that toned washboard stomach in the picture advertising the perfume. Surely this picture was taken long before she got knocked up by K-Fed.

Maybe I'm being a bit harsh on the formerly wholesome Miss Spears. Despite all my criticisms about the former queen of teen pop and despite her bald cranium, I must admit.....I still definitely would!

Right, I'll get my coat.....

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Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Roger Federer Wimbledon Clothing

Swiss world number 1 tennis player Roger Federer played with style this year to capture his 5th consecutive Wimbledon title equalling the record held by former Swedish player Bjorn Borg. Federer also looked stylish in his traditional white pants and blazer.

However the excitement of beating Rafael Nadal in 5 sets during the Wimbledon final must have got to him. He put his pants on backwards for the presentation when he received his trophy.

Maybe that's the European style for pants these days reserved for celebrities and the sporting elite. Either way, I have to refrain from observing the butts of other men so closely.

Right, I'll get my coat.....

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Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Tiger Woods Baby Daughter Pictures

A hundred years ago, if you saw a bunch of white men chasing after an African-American fellow, it would be a typical night out for the Ku Klux Klan. Nowadays, it's called the U.S. Open. Unfortunately for Tiger Woods, he lost by one shot in this prestigious event the other week. You could probably forgive him for not capturing yet another major title as his model wife Elin Nordegren was about to go into labour with their first child.

As a result of their "hard work", Mrs Tiger Woods has given birth to a baby girl named Sam Alexis Woods.

I can't wait until Sam Woods starts swinging golf clubs and begins making a name for herself on the ladies golf tour. She could be like Michelle Wie except she would actually be good at golf. Sam Woods and Michelle Wie are both currently tied for the number of professional golf tournament wins. Both have won ZERO times.

Wouldn't it be great to have Sam Woods' DNA though? Even if by some freak of nature, Sam Woods turned out to be crap at golf, there would always be a modelling career to fall back on courtesy of her mum's genes.

Or Sam Woods could even persevere with sucking on the golf tour but it wouldn't matter because she would still get paid lucrative sponsorship deals just for looking semi-attractive. Oh, just like Michelle Wie.

Right, I'll get my coat.....

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Friday, June 22, 2007

Wimbledon Equal Prize Money

Wimbledon's equal prize money policy is an insult to the men. For the first time in the history of the Wimbledon tennis championships, the gentlemen and ladies winner will each receive the same amount of prize money, a whopping cheque for £700,000. What a joke! The men face tougher competition, play more intense points and battle over the best of 5 sets instead of 3 sets like their unfit female counterparts.

I don't consider myself to be sexist. If I lived in the early 20th century, I would gladly campaign for the right of women to vote and probably stand alongside some of these angry feminists while burning a bra. Mainly because it's a truly evil contraption that's so damn frustrating to unhook. I would draw the line though at using hunger strikes as a form of protest. However, as a testimony to their determination, these brave fighters for women's equal rights even went on hunger strikes to promote their cause. Although their primary motivation was probably to lose weight in order to nab themselves a husband.

I do feel the fight for women's equal rights has gone too far in this instance. Amelie Mauresmo will be over the moon with this latest development. The reigning Wimbledon ladies champion has every chance to get her sweaty, masculine hands on this improved wad of cash. Grass courts tend to favour the big hitters and they don’t get any bigger than this gigantic, muscular Frenchman, oops, I mean.....woman.

Speaking of massive hulks, Serena Williams is always a chance at Grand Slam events due to her great mental strength and playing prowess. Unfortunately she is a bit out of shape this season. I'm not saying she's obese but these days when Serena sits around the house, she really sits AROUND the house.

Maria Sharapova could also grunt her away to another title. Along the way, she'll need to keep her focus with all the male streakers running on court during her matches.

Right, I'll get my coat.....

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Tuesday, June 19, 2007

"Monopoly" Movie

Critically acclaimed movie director Ridley Scott is set to make a motion picture based on the board game "Monopoly". How is that even possible? Apparently Hasbro, the distributors of the game, want to hire young actors for the film so that it encourages young people back to playing board games.

In other words, they want to make more sales of their antiquated product. In order to do this, they are trying to entice Scarlett Johansson and Kirsten Dunst into this project. Kirsten Dunst would clearly be winning the 2nd prize of $10 in this beauty contest.

But what type of film are they going to conjure up? Perhaps they could make "Monopoly" a musical and hire Beyonce. She is so versatile. Beyonce can play such an extensive range of characters from "a good singer" to.....ummm.....a "very good" singer.

I suggest that Ridley Scott should reunite with "Gladiator" star Russell Crowe. The seething Antipodean man of action could play the part of the cop who sends people to jail.

I reckon Russell Crowe likes being an angry, tough guy who abuses and roughs people up. I was actually referring to him in real life but I imagine he loves doing it on screen just as much.

"G'day folks. My name is Maximus Angrius Biggus Dickus Headus. I'm gonna have to ask you to GO DIRECTLY TO JAIL. DO NOT bloody PASS GO. DO NOT bloody COLLECT $200. Otherwise I'm gonna throw a phone at ya."

So will the movie be as annoying as the board game? After all, "Monopoly" is such an infuriating and sometimes seemingly endless game. I mean, the pieces just go round and round. It can get so bloody boring. I might as well be watching Formula One.

Right, I'll get my coat.....

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Saturday, June 16, 2007

Smacked In The Testicles

It's not funny when you're playing sport and you get smacked in the "nuts". However, it's quite hilarious when it happens to someone else. For some strange reason, it can bring about much hearty laughter and guffawing. Although, I do feel quite bad for chuckling at French tennis player Marc Gicquel.

A couple of days ago, his opponent Benjamin Becker fired a 208 kmph serve at him during the ATP tournament in Halle, Germany. Unfortunately for the uncoordinated Frenchman, he was unable to make contact with the tennis ball and it thundered into his "crown jewels" leaving him incapacitated.

After this uncomfortable knock to his "meat and 2 veg", the match got held up for about 10 minutes while medical staff applied ice to his "goolies". Never mind the extreme coldness around your "balls", I would be more uncomfortable about the dude with his hand down the front of your shorts and massaging your "Jatz crackers" in front of a worldwide TV audience.

Luckily for Marc Gicquel, who was now speaking with a higher pitched voice, he was able to continue and eventually won the match against Becker.

Sadly though, he had to retire injured during his next match against Jarkko Nieminen, complaining of illness and vomiting as a result of that painful blow to his "wedding tackle". Maybe he needs to follow the chair umpire's instruction of "NEW BALLS PLEASE".

Right, I'll get my coat.....

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Sunday, June 10, 2007

Rubik's Cube World Record

This is a Rubik's Cube. To an average person, it is a 3x3 cubical object consisting of smaller coloured cubes designed by a Hungarian bloke to torment the mentally inept. But to a geek, this object is one of the greatest toys ever invented and a source for endless hours of "fun".
But really, the Rubik's Cube is such a nerd toy. This one time I caught sight of my reflection in the mirror while arranging the pieces of this cube and I looked so nerdy, I felt like beating myself up.

As much as I laugh and deride at this puzzle indulged in by geeks, the ugly truth is that my meagre brain has not been able to solve a Rubik's Cube in the past 23 years since I first came into contact with this bizarre toy. As it stands, I will not feel like a real man until I manage to get one uniform colour concurrently on each of the six sides. That is, without resorting to peeling off the coloured squares and sticking them back on again.

There must be some rare Rubik's Cube-solving gene that I did not inherit from my parents unlike this guy below. His name is Toby Mao. This Amercian chap holds the world record for solving the Rubik's Cube in the fastest recorded time. Look at the hordes of adoring nerds in the background. He must get all the ladies.

He's so cool he doesn't even need to open his eyes when posing for photos. But look at that time on the clock. 10.48 seconds!

Or wait a minute, maybe this guy is closing his eyes for a reason. Maybe he has the same special power as "Hiro Nakamura" from "Heroes".

Yes of course. That's how he does it. He freezes time and then solves the Rubik's Cube before unfreezing time again. The guy is obviously a cheat. How else can you explain him being able to solve this puzzle in 10.48 seconds while other mortals can't do it in over 2 decades?

Right, I'll get my coat.....

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Thursday, June 07, 2007

Sexiest Bikini Outfits In Film

Not many people can pull off the bikini look. After much exhausting web surfing, I have narrowed it down to my top 5 sexiest bikini outfits in film. Yes, it was really hard work "researching" all of those half-naked pictures.

However, these celebrities certainly deserve much kudos for appearing in movies wearing such skimpy outfits and managing to look good in them.

At number 5 on the list we have Cameron Diaz in this stunning little white number. She had to "pretend" to be a blonde, goofy, airhead, surfer chick in "Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle". It was quite a forgettable film with Cameron's outfit being the one redeeming feature.

Number 4 is Halle Berry for her appearance in the James Bond film "Die Another Day". This was her only movie during 2001 & 2002 when she didn't appear topless or naked. Well, it was close enough.

All Star Wars nerds can relate to number 3. This is of course Carrie Fisher wearing her gold metal bikini in "Return of the Jedi" when she becomes Jabba The Hutt's slave. It doesn't make sense that Princess Leia should be dressed in this gold bikini in terms of the storyline but then again neither does the Ewoks defeating well-armed Stormtroopers with sticks and stones later in the film.

Number 2 is Jessica Alba for when she practically spent the whole time in the movie "Into the Blue" wearing a bikini. How awesome was that. I think Jessica should only make films set on tropical beaches or in open water requiring her to swim a lot.

To prove she's not shy in real life either, here she is below showing off her assets at a public beach. As you can see, all the guys just stop in their tracks and stare at her. Well, everyone except that dumbass who's looking in the wrong direction. But then again he's probably checking out one of the male life guards.....

The number 1 position for sexiest bikini outfit in a film was a no-brainer. It clearly goes to Sacha Baron Cohen for this sexy fluorescent green outfit. Someone please tell me where I can buy one of these sexy costumes?

Anyone who has watched "Borat: Cultural Learnings of America For Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan" would know exactly how studly Borat Sagdiyev was in this outfit. Look at the guy. He's a chick magnet!

Right, I'll get my coat.....

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Tuesday, June 05, 2007

London 2012 Olympics Sexual Logo

Is it just me or does the new logo for the London 2012 Olympics look kind of erotic?

To the untrained eye, the logo may seem to be 4 numbers that represent the year 2012 but FFS, let's face it, the logo looks like a chick performing fellatio innit? This logo would be suitable if the Olympics were being held in say, Essex, because of all the slappers they have there and perhaps even Swindon because of the high amount of teenage pregnancies there. But this logo is an embarrassment to the great city of London.

Did the planning committee not see the girl bent down on her knees? Maybe I'm just turning into a perverted old man. Oh look.....Now there are many young ladies pleasuring men.

Maybe they should put these images up at Heathrow Airport. New arrivals to the country could point to these pictures and ask "Which way to the prostitutes, please?"

They should have just stuck with something similar to the logo that won them the right to host the Olympic Games in the first place.

Right, I'll get my coat.....

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Wednesday, May 30, 2007


Well, that's the opinion of my QANTAS frequent flyer friend. Let's call him "Gav" so people won't know his real name is Gavin. Anyway, my mate "Gav" is seething. He has lambasted the service of this airline as disgraceful. Maybe my mate "Gav" is just upset because the QANTAS stewardess only gave him a packet of peanuts while actor Ralph Fiennes got the mile high sex in the bathroom treatment on his flight from Darwin to Mumbai.

Now I don't like to bag Australian companies, especially one that has been such an enduring icon of Aussie industry.....But I will anyway.

Passengers were recently asked to rate different airlines in a survey conducted by Choice Magazine. As you can see from the results, QANTAS did exceptionally poor even in comparison with Malaysia Airlines and Thai Airways.

Meanwhile, Singapore Airlines blitzed all of their rivals. Their board of executives must get sexually aroused everytime they glance at these survey results. I know I get quite excited when analysing meaningful statistical figures.

The bottom line is QANTAS scored very low on all categories of service. They have disgraced themselves and disgraced all Australians living around the world. So yeah, what a crap airline. Let's flame them!

First of all, what a ridiculous name. The word "QANTAS" doesn't even have the letter "U" after the "Q". Pfff! What a bunch of spelling NOOBS.

If you remove the letter "Q" from the airline's name and re-arrange the letters, you get the word "SATAN". The airline is obviously full of devil worshippers.

Another thing I've noticed is that QANTAS male stewards are a bit too, well, "male". Don't they realise that passengers feel less threatened when served by a bunch of girly men? Malaysia Airlines have the right idea with their effeminate stewards in their girly green suits.

As for the stewardesses, why do QANTAS hire ex-high class prostitutes to work only in the first class section? Why aren't there sluts to service the economy passengers too? Like in Singapore Airlines.

The corporate logo of QANTAS is a flying kangaroo. There are so many Australian animals out there that fly, like the kookaburra. But the dumbasses decided "Hey, let's pick a kangaroo and pretend it does".

Did you know that QANTAS are one of the few airlines out there that have never had a serious plane accident resulting in many deaths? By that rationale, if something hasn't happened in such a long time, surely it's going to happen sooner or later. QANTAS is obviously an airline disaster waiting to happen.

So that's it. I shall no longer be eating their airline food, stealing their blankets, requesting for their free decks of cards or ogling their stewardesses.....Until the next biased airlines survey comes out.

Right, I'll get my coat.....

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Sunday, May 27, 2007

Domino's Pizza Online Coupon Code

Altruism (al-troo-iz-uhm) noun - The principle or practice of unselfish concern for or devotion to the welfare of others. (as opposed to egoism)

NERD Altruism - Giving away online codes for cheap pizza.

Domino's has felt the compulsion to inform me by electronic mail that the school holidays are upon us in Malaysia (Truly Asia). Their strangely appealing marketing suggestion is that one should purchase pizza from their plethora of outlets to commemorate this occasion.

With the following code "EMSB3" one may purchase online, one large pizza, one regular pizza and a large bottle of Coca-Cola for RM34.80. But wait, there's more. They'll also chuck in a free "CinnaStix", which is a strange cross between a loaf of bread and a donut. To quote from Mick "Crocodile" Dundee....."You can eat it but it tastes like shit".

Despite my godlike will power and gargantuan mental strength, I feel I am not able to contain myself any longer and I shall be visiting their website to place my pizza order within the next 24 hours. Resistance is useless methinks. I could try not to order Domino's in the next 24 hours but I would not be successful. It would be an act in futility.

So go forth my skinny Malaysian friends.....Order away! Save yourself from that vulgar task of ordering over the phone in Manglish and achieve true nerd status instead by buying your pizzas online. No mix-ups and no ghastly rehearsed marketing spiels.

Code expires 30th June 2007.

Right, I'll get my coat.....

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Wednesday, March 07, 2007

Australian Government Doesn't Want Malaysians

I was pleasantly surprised recently to learn that the Australian Government has added more countries to their Working Holiday Visa Program. This visa allows people from overseas aged below 30 to live, work and travel in Australia for up to 12 months. They can enter the country as many times as they want in that 1-year period.

As of February 1st 2007, tertiary-educated citizens from Chile, Iran and Thailand have been added to the long list of countries already eligible for this working holiday visa. Turkey and Bangladesh are other countries that will soon follow suit. A glaring omission on this list is Malaysia (Truly Asia).

For a country that has so many of their students studying in Australia, this seems inexplicable. Malaysians are everywhere around Australian university campuses. I have been astonished by the amount of "tudungs" I've come across while lining up in school cafeterias. "Mind the ham/bacon/pork dishes, ladies" I would think to myself and then realise "Woohoo! More for me."

There are Malaysians in lecture halls, tutorial rooms, the library and especially in the computing labs. Free email and internet lah! When you do group projects, chances are you'll get buddied up with some nerdy Malaysian computer whiz kid. Of course, you let him do the computing part of the project because if he does the public speaking part, his propensity to finish sentences off with the word "lah" is generally frowned upon by the university staff grading you.

So how come Malaysia has been left off this list when clearly any Tom, Dick and Harry (Or should that be Fernando, Darius and Thaksin) from Chile, Iran and Thailand can get in? My guess is because Malaysia is a predominantly muslim country with some radical elements and may be regarded as potentially undesirable. The fact that the Australian embassy in KL recently got attacked by extremists doesn't help things either. Kind of unfortunate, don't you think?

But there are other options to obtain an Australian visa to migrate into the country. You just need to score 120 points in a test based on age, education, occupation, work experience, language skills etc. And no, these visas don't discriminate based on nationality. Worth looking into.

Right, I'll get my coat.....

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