Gay Mate At The Gym

Excerpt from an email I received from my homophobic friend:

"I've got a gay mate. Known him for about 8 years. He's a really decent bloke. The thing is, recently he joined my gym. I see him there about 3 or 4 times a week. I'm getting a bit concerned about how to act in the locker room when we arrive at the gym or leave the gym at the same time. It's especially awkward when our times to shower overlap! Any advice on how to handle this situation?"

Reply to my homophobic friend:

G'day mate, I have a suggestion.....

Try growing up. If that's not possible.....

Tell your mate that you have a small penis and get embarrassed easily by it so you would prefer to change/shower alone. After all, honesty is the best policy. He should be put off enough to lose any interest. Remember to look embarrassed.

If you drop the soap in the shower, don't pick it up.

Don't flick him with your towel. That would be considered as flirting.

Don't smack him on the butt and say "Great workout. Time to hit the showers."

Alternatively, if he's actually interested and you're feeling adventurous, let him have his way with you. You might enjoy it. You're an England football fan, right? Just close your eyes and think of David Beckham. Here's a picture to help get you started.....

Right, I'll get my coat.....

Job Ad For Porn Movies Made in KL

My mate Tommy is a bit of a larrakin and sent the following job ad to me in case I wanted to spend my time in KL acting in porn movies.

This ad appeared the other week in a prominent Australian online job database and they're looking for an expat to work in Malaysia. Apparently Kuala Lumpur has a porn industry! 30-40 movies made each year for this company alone is a lot of porn.

My favourite part of the ad: "You will be expected to have sexual contact with a number of adult film personalities including Gay Male, Hetero & Homosexual Females, MILF and Midget Stars. Occasional contact with ANIMAL ACTORS may be required as well."

I said "No thanks Tommy, I love animals but I just don't wanna LOVE animals."

Right, I'll get my coat.....

Being In Debt / Owing Money

I hate being in a position where you owe money to someone. Money is the root of all evil. Getting rid of any debt as soon as possible is a good idea and prevents any future issues.

I had borrowed 50 bucks one night from my mate Alexander because we were nowhere near an ATM. The next day, I gladly slid him the pink envelope with the 50 bucks inside it. Pink is not my colour but it was the only envelope I could find and I wanted to set the money aside for him.

"There you go mate. Thanks for spotting me the cash last night. Debt repaid."

"No worries" Alexander replied.

He looked distracted as we were running late and rushing into the casino to meet up with some mates. We eventually reached our rendezvous point in the casino bar.

Casinos are such interesting places. People tend to show their true colours when gambling. Rarely are fortunes made but you can usually spot the losers. Their misery is sketched all over their faces and you can imagine the debt they must have racked up trying for that elusive big win.

Two hours had passed and Alexander strode back to our table with a gleeful look on his face.

"How did you do?" I excitedly quizzed.

"Good. I'm up 200 bucks, I've spent 50 dollars at the bar but you still owe me that 50 from last night....."

"Err.....I already paid you back. Remember?"

"When?" Alexander retorted with an incredulous look on his face.

"Today. Before we arrived here."

"No?! I don't recall."

An uncomfortable silence arose. An awkward situation indeed. Being in debt to someone, paying them back and them not remembering.

Calmly I reminded Alexander "If I haven't paid you back then what are you doing with a pink envelope in your pocket?"

"Are you some sort of pink envelope-carrying girly-man?" I chuckled.

The realisation spread across Alexander's face "That's all you had to say."

I guess even your closest mates may sometimes not remember you giving them money so it's always handy to have some bright-coloured envelopes lying around the house.

Right, I'll get my coat.....

The Evolution of the Telephone

This is what our household telephone looked like when I was a kid.....

But technology evolved and soon we got a wall telephone and the annoying rotary dial was replaced with buttons that made sounds when you pushed them.....

Then came the cordless phone which provided greater convenience as you could talk while walking around the house.....

Not that the cordless phone has made a great difference to the more senior people that I've observed. Even now when the phone rings, I've noticed how members of the older generation still carry the phone over to the "phone table" before answering?!?!

Then about 5 years ago, one of my trendier aunties bought herself a mobile phone like the one below.....

As you can see, it was a basic, compact handset that allowed her to talk and send SMS. Although it did take her a couple of months to get proficient at sending text messages. The dictionary function was a tad confusing to use at first.

Finally convinced she was as technologically advanced as any youngster, my auntie recently upgraded to a new mobile phone with a camera and various applications.....

On one occasion she rang me (from her "phone table", I assume) and the following chain of events ensued.....

Auntie: "Minny, I've just taken some nice pictures of your cousins and our new house. I'll show them to you the next time you come down to visit."

Me: "Why don't you just send the pictures to my phone and I'll have a look?"

Auntie: "How do I do that?"

Me: "Just send them, like when you send me a text message."

Auntie: "I'm not doing that. I want to keep these pictures on my phone so I can look at them later."

Me: "You wont lose them. Sending an MMS just means you'll be sending me a copy of the photos."

Auntie: "But when I send an SMS, that doesn't stay on my phone."

Me: "That's because you didn't save the message first."

Auntie: "Well, how about this.....why don't I send the pictures to you, you can have a look, and then you can send them back to me?"

Me: *sigh* "Auntie, there's no need. The pictures will stay on your phone."

Auntie: "I'm not sending the pictures unless you promise to send them back. I don't want to lose the photos."

Eventually I relented and agreed that I would send the pictures back to my auntie after I had viewed them on my phone.

After we hung up, half an hour passed and I still hadn't received any of the pictures. I called my auntie back asking if she had sent the photos because I still hadn't received them. After checking her phone, my "technologically advanced" auntie realised she had sent them to my house phone number.

Right, I'll get my coat.....

Time Capsule

Back in the early-mid 1980's, the teaching faculty at my primary school had this bright idea to build a time capsule. Basically, the time capsule was constructed and painted to look like a space shuttle.

In order to take part, all the kids and teaching staff had to write a letter to themselves or to someone else and place it in an envelope along with any items that were relevant to the 1980's. The envelopes were then placed into this time capsule which would be buried at a designated site on the school grounds. Then when the year 2000 arrived, there would be a big reunion at the school and the time capsule would be dug up with the envelopes distributed to those present.

There was a big ceremony on the day the time capsule was buried. To add a greater dramatic effect to the time capsule being lowered into the ground, they played "Also Sprach Zarathustra" by Richard Strauss. To you Philistines, that's the piece of music at the beginning of the movie "2001: A Space Odyssey".

Naively I thought to myself "Wow this is a great occasion! Can't wait to come back here in the year 2000 and catch up with everyone!"

Unfortunately the school closed down in the early 1990's. My damn envelope is still buried in that time capsule some twenty-odd years later. I would love to get my envelope back. After all, those Michael Jackson bubblegum trading cards contained inside could be worth a lot of money these days.

I can just imagine one hundred years from now, some treasure hunter will stumble upon my most prized childhood possession and exclaim "DANG! Michael Jackson was black?!"

Right, I'll get my coat.....

Evil Cat

I've decided to name and shame the big, overweight, unfit, fat, orange cat that scratched me the other day. Her real name is "Ginger". This is what she looks like.....

Look at that cold, steely gaze.....She's pure evil I tell ya!

This tub of lard doesn't do much all day. She mainly lies around looking grumpy, when she's not eating, that is. Look at her lying there on the bed like a beached whale.....

She's just begging for someone to pinch that fatty underbelly of hers.

For some reason, "Ginger" loves to dwell in cardboard boxes. She can't get enough of curling up in any boxes that are lying around the house. Most likely, the cardboard box and her thick layer of fat provides "Ginger" with comfortable insulation.


Look at her.....Looking so smug, comfortable and insulated.....

Make sure you don't disturb her though or the evil claws come out.

Maybe if "Ginger" scratches me again, I will have take it down the road to the nearby Chinese restaurant. You know what I'm saying?!

Maybe then it can get to dwell in a different type of cardboard box.....

WAH! Number 68: Sweet & Sour Cat!

Disclaimer: My family used to own a Chinese restaurant and I can vouch that no cat products were ever used as cooking ingredients. (Dog meat was by far much cheaper.)

Right, I'll get my coat.....

Women Wearing The Same Outfits

I once attended a class at university where the lecturer was wearing the exact same brand name collared shirt as myself. Feeling a slight bit of embarrassment, I sat farther back in the lecture hall that day and had a laugh about it with my mates.

I think the situation is deemed more socially embarrassing when it arises between 2 women. Look what happened at the "Premiere Magazine Women In Hollywood" gala held a couple of nights ago in L.A.

Are Christina Applegate and Rachel Griffiths such close buddies that they called each other up before the awards ceremony to make sure they would wear the exact Hugo Boss dress?

But seriously, I can only image the feeling is 100 times worse for women celebrities who attend award ceremonies and get photographed in front of the worldwide media.

At least Christina Applegate and Rachel Griffiths didn't do what Zhang Ziyi did at the Venice Film Festival earlier this month. Here's the polka-dot Armani dress Zhang Ziyi wore.....

Two months earlier, the outfit worn by Xu Jinglei at a press conference.....

Hard to "spot" the difference hey?

Right, I'll get my coat.....

Dogs Are Better Than Cats

I got scratched by a cat the other day. A big, overweight, unfit, fat, orange cat. A grumpy one too. In fact, it looked and acted a lot like Garfield.

There I was trying to make friends with this orange tub of lard while trying to distract it from the bunch of flowers it wasn't supposed to be sniffing when suddenly.....WHOOSH! It took a huge swipe at my hand with its obese, lumpy excuse for a paw. Perfect aim too. Ouch!

Cats can be so moody and aloof. It's sickening: The pompous way they prowl around and fuss over their fur by licking themselves incessantly. Pffff! Give me the company of a dog any day.

Dogs tend to be more playful and they can be endearingly foolish. That's why I reckon most people enjoy their presence so much. We get our kicks from watching them run into things, bark at inanimate objects, chase their own tails and hump soft toys. A dog also won't easily get bored of fetching things you throw for them. A cat will just ignore you.

Most dog owners, whether they admit it or not, also like the assurance a dog brings. Think of your own dog. When you come home, they thinks it's amazing. You walk in the door and the joy of this experience overwhelms them. They jump around excitedly wagging their tails....HE'S BACK! IT'S THAT DUDE! THAT DUDE WHO HOUSES AND PLAYS WITH ME!

They can't believe it. Everything about you is amazing to your dog. When dinner time comes around.....WHAT? ANOTHER PACKET OF FOOD? I DON'T BELIEVE IT. THIS DUDE IS A LEGEND!

So the next time you're in a foul mood because you had a bad day or your favourite sporting team just lost, don't take it out on your dog. Go outside and find a stray cat in the street to kick instead.

Right, I'll get my coat.....