Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Tiger Woods Baby Daughter Pictures

A hundred years ago, if you saw a bunch of white men chasing after an African-American fellow, it would be a typical night out for the Ku Klux Klan. Nowadays, it's called the U.S. Open. Unfortunately for Tiger Woods, he lost by one shot in this prestigious event the other week. You could probably forgive him for not capturing yet another major title as his model wife Elin Nordegren was about to go into labour with their first child.

As a result of their "hard work", Mrs Tiger Woods has given birth to a baby girl named Sam Alexis Woods.

I can't wait until Sam Woods starts swinging golf clubs and begins making a name for herself on the ladies golf tour. She could be like Michelle Wie except she would actually be good at golf. Sam Woods and Michelle Wie are both currently tied for the number of professional golf tournament wins. Both have won ZERO times.

Wouldn't it be great to have Sam Woods' DNA though? Even if by some freak of nature, Sam Woods turned out to be crap at golf, there would always be a modelling career to fall back on courtesy of her mum's genes.

Or Sam Woods could even persevere with sucking on the golf tour but it wouldn't matter because she would still get paid lucrative sponsorship deals just for looking semi-attractive. Oh, just like Michelle Wie.

Right, I'll get my coat.....

technorati tags:, , , , , , , , , , , ,

Friday, June 22, 2007

Wimbledon Equal Prize Money

Wimbledon's equal prize money policy is an insult to the men. For the first time in the history of the Wimbledon tennis championships, the gentlemen and ladies winner will each receive the same amount of prize money, a whopping cheque for £700,000. What a joke! The men face tougher competition, play more intense points and battle over the best of 5 sets instead of 3 sets like their unfit female counterparts.

I don't consider myself to be sexist. If I lived in the early 20th century, I would gladly campaign for the right of women to vote and probably stand alongside some of these angry feminists while burning a bra. Mainly because it's a truly evil contraption that's so damn frustrating to unhook. I would draw the line though at using hunger strikes as a form of protest. However, as a testimony to their determination, these brave fighters for women's equal rights even went on hunger strikes to promote their cause. Although their primary motivation was probably to lose weight in order to nab themselves a husband.

I do feel the fight for women's equal rights has gone too far in this instance. Amelie Mauresmo will be over the moon with this latest development. The reigning Wimbledon ladies champion has every chance to get her sweaty, masculine hands on this improved wad of cash. Grass courts tend to favour the big hitters and they don’t get any bigger than this gigantic, muscular Frenchman, oops, I mean.....woman.

Speaking of massive hulks, Serena Williams is always a chance at Grand Slam events due to her great mental strength and playing prowess. Unfortunately she is a bit out of shape this season. I'm not saying she's obese but these days when Serena sits around the house, she really sits AROUND the house.

Maria Sharapova could also grunt her away to another title. Along the way, she'll need to keep her focus with all the male streakers running on court during her matches.

Right, I'll get my coat.....

technorati tags:, , , , , , , , , , , ,

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

"Monopoly" Movie

Critically acclaimed movie director Ridley Scott is set to make a motion picture based on the board game "Monopoly". How is that even possible? Apparently Hasbro, the distributors of the game, want to hire young actors for the film so that it encourages young people back to playing board games.

In other words, they want to make more sales of their antiquated product. In order to do this, they are trying to entice Scarlett Johansson and Kirsten Dunst into this project. Kirsten Dunst would clearly be winning the 2nd prize of $10 in this beauty contest.

But what type of film are they going to conjure up? Perhaps they could make "Monopoly" a musical and hire Beyonce. She is so versatile. Beyonce can play such an extensive range of characters from "a good singer" to.....ummm.....a "very good" singer.

I suggest that Ridley Scott should reunite with "Gladiator" star Russell Crowe. The seething Antipodean man of action could play the part of the cop who sends people to jail.

I reckon Russell Crowe likes being an angry, tough guy who abuses and roughs people up. I was actually referring to him in real life but I imagine he loves doing it on screen just as much.

"G'day folks. My name is Maximus Angrius Biggus Dickus Headus. I'm gonna have to ask you to GO DIRECTLY TO JAIL. DO NOT bloody PASS GO. DO NOT bloody COLLECT $200. Otherwise I'm gonna throw a phone at ya."

So will the movie be as annoying as the board game? After all, "Monopoly" is such an infuriating and sometimes seemingly endless game. I mean, the pieces just go round and round. It can get so bloody boring. I might as well be watching Formula One.

Right, I'll get my coat.....

technorati tags:, , , , , , , , , , , ,

Saturday, June 16, 2007

Smacked In The Testicles

It's not funny when you're playing sport and you get smacked in the "nuts". However, it's quite hilarious when it happens to someone else. For some strange reason, it can bring about much hearty laughter and guffawing. Although, I do feel quite bad for chuckling at French tennis player Marc Gicquel.

A couple of days ago, his opponent Benjamin Becker fired a 208 kmph serve at him during the ATP tournament in Halle, Germany. Unfortunately for the uncoordinated Frenchman, he was unable to make contact with the tennis ball and it thundered into his "crown jewels" leaving him incapacitated.

After this uncomfortable knock to his "meat and 2 veg", the match got held up for about 10 minutes while medical staff applied ice to his "goolies". Never mind the extreme coldness around your "balls", I would be more uncomfortable about the dude with his hand down the front of your shorts and massaging your "Jatz crackers" in front of a worldwide TV audience.

Luckily for Marc Gicquel, who was now speaking with a higher pitched voice, he was able to continue and eventually won the match against Becker.

Sadly though, he had to retire injured during his next match against Jarkko Nieminen, complaining of illness and vomiting as a result of that painful blow to his "wedding tackle". Maybe he needs to follow the chair umpire's instruction of "NEW BALLS PLEASE".

Right, I'll get my coat.....

technorati tags:, , , , , , , , , , ,

Sunday, June 10, 2007

Rubik's Cube World Record

This is a Rubik's Cube. To an average person, it is a 3x3 cubical object consisting of smaller coloured cubes designed by a Hungarian bloke to torment the mentally inept. But to a geek, this object is one of the greatest toys ever invented and a source for endless hours of "fun".
But really, the Rubik's Cube is such a nerd toy. This one time I caught sight of my reflection in the mirror while arranging the pieces of this cube and I looked so nerdy, I felt like beating myself up.

As much as I laugh and deride at this puzzle indulged in by geeks, the ugly truth is that my meagre brain has not been able to solve a Rubik's Cube in the past 23 years since I first came into contact with this bizarre toy. As it stands, I will not feel like a real man until I manage to get one uniform colour concurrently on each of the six sides. That is, without resorting to peeling off the coloured squares and sticking them back on again.

There must be some rare Rubik's Cube-solving gene that I did not inherit from my parents unlike this guy below. His name is Toby Mao. This Amercian chap holds the world record for solving the Rubik's Cube in the fastest recorded time. Look at the hordes of adoring nerds in the background. He must get all the ladies.

He's so cool he doesn't even need to open his eyes when posing for photos. But look at that time on the clock. 10.48 seconds!

Or wait a minute, maybe this guy is closing his eyes for a reason. Maybe he has the same special power as "Hiro Nakamura" from "Heroes".

Yes of course. That's how he does it. He freezes time and then solves the Rubik's Cube before unfreezing time again. The guy is obviously a cheat. How else can you explain him being able to solve this puzzle in 10.48 seconds while other mortals can't do it in over 2 decades?

Right, I'll get my coat.....

technorati tags:, , , , , , , , , , ,

Thursday, June 07, 2007

Sexiest Bikini Outfits In Film

Not many people can pull off the bikini look. After much exhausting web surfing, I have narrowed it down to my top 5 sexiest bikini outfits in film. Yes, it was really hard work "researching" all of those half-naked pictures.

However, these celebrities certainly deserve much kudos for appearing in movies wearing such skimpy outfits and managing to look good in them.

At number 5 on the list we have Cameron Diaz in this stunning little white number. She had to "pretend" to be a blonde, goofy, airhead, surfer chick in "Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle". It was quite a forgettable film with Cameron's outfit being the one redeeming feature.

Number 4 is Halle Berry for her appearance in the James Bond film "Die Another Day". This was her only movie during 2001 & 2002 when she didn't appear topless or naked. Well, it was close enough.

All Star Wars nerds can relate to number 3. This is of course Carrie Fisher wearing her gold metal bikini in "Return of the Jedi" when she becomes Jabba The Hutt's slave. It doesn't make sense that Princess Leia should be dressed in this gold bikini in terms of the storyline but then again neither does the Ewoks defeating well-armed Stormtroopers with sticks and stones later in the film.

Number 2 is Jessica Alba for when she practically spent the whole time in the movie "Into the Blue" wearing a bikini. How awesome was that. I think Jessica should only make films set on tropical beaches or in open water requiring her to swim a lot.

To prove she's not shy in real life either, here she is below showing off her assets at a public beach. As you can see, all the guys just stop in their tracks and stare at her. Well, everyone except that dumbass who's looking in the wrong direction. But then again he's probably checking out one of the male life guards.....

The number 1 position for sexiest bikini outfit in a film was a no-brainer. It clearly goes to Sacha Baron Cohen for this sexy fluorescent green outfit. Someone please tell me where I can buy one of these sexy costumes?

Anyone who has watched "Borat: Cultural Learnings of America For Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan" would know exactly how studly Borat Sagdiyev was in this outfit. Look at the guy. He's a chick magnet!

Right, I'll get my coat.....

technorati tags:, , , , , , , , , , ,

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

London 2012 Olympics Sexual Logo

Is it just me or does the new logo for the London 2012 Olympics look kind of erotic?

To the untrained eye, the logo may seem to be 4 numbers that represent the year 2012 but FFS, let's face it, the logo looks like a chick performing fellatio innit? This logo would be suitable if the Olympics were being held in say, Essex, because of all the slappers they have there and perhaps even Swindon because of the high amount of teenage pregnancies there. But this logo is an embarrassment to the great city of London.

Did the planning committee not see the girl bent down on her knees? Maybe I'm just turning into a perverted old man. Oh look.....Now there are many young ladies pleasuring men.

Maybe they should put these images up at Heathrow Airport. New arrivals to the country could point to these pictures and ask "Which way to the prostitutes, please?"

They should have just stuck with something similar to the logo that won them the right to host the Olympic Games in the first place.

Right, I'll get my coat.....

technorati tags:, , , , , , , , ,