Monday, November 27, 2006

Stallone Should Have Stopped At Rocky 4

I can't believe that "Rocky Balboa" aka "Rocky VI" is about to be released in cinemas. Particularly after that uninspiring piece of crap called "Rocky V". Yes, Sylvester Stallone will be donning the boxing gloves and getting back in the ring again. This time to fight the current world heavyweight champion Mason "The Line" Dixon.

The most ridiculous part of the plot is why Mason Dixon, supposedly an awesome athlete at his peak would bother to fight a washed-up Rocky Balboa now well into his 50's. Get this. One of the main resaons is because a computer-generated program said that a Rocky Balboa at his peak would defeat him.

So to prove that the computer program is wrong, he decides to fight an old and out-of-shape Rocky Balboa. Yes, fighting and beating up a pensioner will surely disprove that theory and prove them computer animators wrong!

As an indication of how crap Rocky VI could be, it turns out that Talia Shire who plays Rocky's wife "Adrian", will only appear in flashback scenes. I can only assume that she was so ashamed of Rocky V that she begged Sly not to give her a part in this latest sequel.

Instead her character has died. I think a similar fate awaits this movie. Apparently all the stress of watching her husband getting beaten up and interpreting his slurred, broken English over the years has caused Adrian to die of cancer.

Even Sage Stallone, who played Rocky's son in the previous movie, probably felt so embarrassed that he opted not to reprise the role. The son will now be played by some other unwitting schmuck who surely also will no longer have an acting career after Rocky VI.

From watching the trailer, it looks like the same tired cliches are going to be rehashed, including the meat punching scenes. I'm sure all real-life professional boxers train by punching dead carcasses. Well, it was believable in the 70s anyway.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Rocky 6 could turn out to be one of the worst dramas or best comedies of the year. Since Britney Spears and Mariah Carey did not make a film in the past 12 months, this Rocky sequel could become the hot favourite for worst film by the time "The Razzie Awards" are handed out.

Right, I'll get my coat.....

technorati tags:, , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Beyonce Is Not An Actress

As if she wasn't embarrassed enough already by her crap acting in "The Pink Panther", Beyonce Knowles is returning to the silver screen yet again to reprise her one-dimensional acting skills.

In her latest pathetic attempt to become an actress, Beyonce will star alongside Eva Longoria, of "Desperate Housewives" fame in a supposedly sexy Victorian drama entitled "Tipping The Velvet". Beyonce and Eva Longoria will actually play the roles of lesbian lovers. Ooooo Errrr. Somebody pass me the fire extinguisher.

For those of you who actually have a life and don't watch "Desperate Housewives", Eva Longoria got her break in that series playing the part of Gabrielle Solis. You know, the materialistic chick who cheats on her husband Carlos with their gardener.

A highly implausible notion but as you know, gardeners on TV tend to look like this.....

And nothing like their real life counterparts who look more like Groundskeeper Willie.....

Anyway, Sofia Coppola is directing this bold film based on Sarah Water's novel about sexual repression. She wants Beyonce and Eva to take the roles of 1890s music hall star, Kitty Butler, and her lesbian lover Nan Astley.

So as you can see, Beyonce is cast as a singer yet again. Now there's the surprise of the century. At least that is something she'll be able to do well during the movie.

This project could end up being like the female version of "Brokeback Mountain", except crap. I suspect the film will have not very talented actors and will receive no critical acclaim. Oh yeah, just like all the other rubbish movies Beyonce has been in.

Right, I'll get my coat.....

technorati tags:, , , , , , , , , , ,

Thursday, November 09, 2006

Fergie's Amazing Weight Loss

A couple of decades ago I remember turning on the TV to watch the royal wedding of Prince Andrew and his young red-headed bride, Sarah Ferguson.

Marrying into royalty meant that "Fergie", as she became affectionately known, was bestowed the regal title of the "Duchess of York".

Several years later, after the birth of her 2 daughters, Princess Fergie had weight problems and her plump appearance became the butt of many fat jokes. The British media cruelly dubbed her the "Duchess of Pork" due to all the excess weight she had gained.

Throughout the mid 1990's Fergie began to lose the weight through a strict regime and her dieting success earned her the role as spokesperson for the global dieting consultancy "Weight Watchers".

I was surprised at how Fergie's diet and exercise program had helped her lose so much weight. She actually began to look semi-attractive again.

Soon Fergie attracted great interest in the entertainment world when she began to delve into singing and dancing. At the turn of the century, Fergie along with the "Black Eyed Peas" met with great success on the pop charts.

Fergie had now adopted a blonder and more athletic look. In fact it made her look damn fit and sexy.

Her prodigious musical talent coupled with her gorgeous figure and looks meant that her sexy image was gracing the pages of many magazines and websites.

This year she embarked on a solo career and her debut album is aptly named "Fergie: The Dutchess". It's quite a seductive album cover.

This turnaround in image by Fergie has been amazing. How did it happen so fast? My meagre brain is unable to comprehend it.

The transformation I have observed is a total mystery to me.

It's almost as though they were 2 completely different people! *eye roll*

Right, I'll get my coat.....

technorati tags:, , , , , , , , , , ,

Sunday, November 05, 2006

The Name's Bean, Sean Bean

What's your favourite movie starring Sean Bean? Mine is the one where he acts two-faced and tries to screw people over. Oh wait, he does that in almost all his movies.

Oooohhhh that Sean Bean makes me so mad! My blood boils every time I see him act sly or cunning in a movie. He looks like such a downright scoundrel too. I think it has to do with those shifty, calculating eyes, his rough looks and that upper-class British accent.

I first noticed Sean Bean over a decade ago when he acted in the James Bond film "GoldenEye" where he played the part of Alec Trevelyan aka Agent 006.

I initially felt sorry for him because he was helping out his good friend James Bond on a mission when he got captured by the Russians and was presumably killed. But as it turned out, Agent 006 had already defected to the Russians. He only faked getting captured as part of his plan to betray his good friend and the British government. Bad bloke!

When Sean Bean played the part of Boromir in the "Lord of The Rings" trilogy, he joined the fellowship as one of the good guys and swore an oath to protect the hobbits. Of course he managed to fool me again because he went ahead and did the exact opposite.

The sly, brooding weasel ended up deciding to steal Frodo's ring. The way he looked at Frodo and obsessed about his ring all the time, you just wanted to thump him. Always he was plotting and scheming. That is bang out of order trying to touch another bloke's ring.

If you're hunting for treasure with Sean Bean, you can bet that you won't be keeping any of it should you uncover the secrets of the treasure map.

In "National Treasure", him and Nicholas Cage jetted around the globe in search of various treasures. It came as no surprise that as soon as they came across some valuable artifact, Sean Bean tried to run off with it for himself and screw over his colleague. What a backstabbing thief!

Then he got really sly and cunning in "Troy". In the role of Odysseus, he came up with the idea to build a "Wooden Horse" in order to infiltrate the city of Troy. He hid in the belly of this wooden horse with all the Greeks' best soldiers. Once they got inside the walls, they emerged at night and slaughtered the sleeping Trojans. Very sneaky. Beware of Sean Bean bearing gifts.

If you ever have Sean Bean as your physician, do not follow his medical advice. Seek a second opinion as your life is surely in danger.

In "The Island", he played Merrick, a doctor/geneticist who pretended to care for the wellbeing of the citizens living in his centre. But really he was just trying to harvest their organs for the sake of making truckloads of money.

So as you can see, this man is a deceitful, snivelling, greedy, two-faced, lying traitor. I shall be fooled no more. In his future films, I shall be on full alert to see who he's trying to screw over next.

Right, I'll get my coat.....

technorati tags:, , , , ,

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

What Juvenile People Do During Halloween

You can always tell who the juvenile delinquents are during Halloween. They're the ones over the age of 12 who still dress up in costumes in order to go around to people's houses uttering the moronic words "TRICK OR TREAT".

"Trick or Treat" is meant to be a greeting by children asking for treats (free candy) on Halloween. In truth, it's actually a thinly disguised threat. If you refuse to give them candy, they'll conspire to play a "trick" on you.

Throwing eggs and flour at the offending household is quite popular in some unruly neighbourhoods. I reckon that's a bloody outrage. They might as well rename October 31st to "GIVE ME FREE CANDY OR ELSE" Day.

But don't get me wrong. I like the idea of Halloween. I think dressing up in costumes is cool. Especially if your voice is still squeaky, you have acne-free skin and you haven't reached puberty yet. But sadly, I've answered my door to too many teenage/adult freeloaders before.

Then there are those morons (usually Americans) who decide it will be fun to torture their pets by making them wear cumbersome and uncomfortable costumes. Then they humiliate these poor animals by dragging them around the neighbourhood so that other morons can gush at how cute they look.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Hello! McFly! Anybody home? Your pets already have fur coats. Putting costumes on them for your amusement is just doubling up and may cause them unnecessary distress.

Another tradition practised by the desperate and lonely superstitious, is the one where you look in the mirror at midnight on Halloween. Apparently, you will gain a vision of your future spouse?!

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

You can't see me right now but I'm actually rolling my eyes.

Right, I'll get my coat.....

technorati tags:, , , , ,

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Mother's Birthday

It's my mum's birthday today. She's celebrating her 58th err 50th birthday (for the 9th time). Today, she is somewhere back in sunny Australia. Meanwhile, I happen to be passing through a hole of a town that's infested with drugs, prostitutes and snatch thieves. But enough about Johor Bahru. Back to mother.....

To mark this occasion, the following is a list of lessons/values mum tried to instill in me as a child.....

I learnt that gambling is bad except when you do it during Chinese New Year in which case gambling is good?!?!?!

I learnt how important it is to burn paper money so that your long-dead relatives have enough cash to spend in the afterlife?!?!?!

I learnt that it was the Chinese civilisation who really invented spaghetti and pizza but that damn white devil Marco Polo stole the ideas and brought them back to Italy to claim for their own race?!?!?!

I learnt how to save money at expensive restaurants by ordering a refreshing glass of tap water as my beverage and ordering a delicious NOTHING for dessert.

I learnt that it is considered cultured to eat the intestines, ears, feet and any other parts of an animal that aren't legally allowed to be put in a meat pie.

I learnt about the meaning of the term "Catch 22". That is the situation where you get scolded for scoring low marks in a school test and also get scolded if you scored 99 out of 100 because you missed out on the other mark.

I learnt that there are only 2 real musical instruments worth learning called the piano and the violin.

I learnt not to be long-winded in conversations at the risk of boring people by repeating myself and making the same point over and over again.

So as you can see, mum thought it was important not to be long-winded in conversations at the risk of boring people by repeating myself and making the same point over and over again.

I learnt not to marry a "gwai-mui" / "ang mo" / "white chick" because they all smoke, drink excessively, gamble, take drugs, spend your money and will eventually leave you for a richer "gwai-lo" / "white guy" who also smokes, drinks excessively, gambles, takes drugs and spends all their money.

Conversely, I learnt that I should marry within my race because as everyone knows, Chinese women NEVER smoke, drink excessively, gamble, take drugs, spend your money or leave you for a richer guy.

Btw, did I also mention that mum taught me not to be long-winded in conversations at the risk of boring people by repeating myself and making the same point over and over again?

Right, I'll get my coat.....

technorati tags:, , , ,

Thursday, October 19, 2006

Posh Spice Fashion Clothing Range

The skinny and not very talented Posh Spice is set to launch a range of fashion clothing on a website which is still under construction.

Stay tuned for folks. It should be launched later this year. I know I'm breathless with anticipation as I count down the days.

I presume the "dvb" in the website name stands for "Dumb & Very Boring".

Victoria Beckham has implied she is working with fashion designer Donatella Versace on new clothing designs. If so, I suspect Versace could design and make the clothes while Victoria could offer helpful suggestions like "do you think it would be better if we make the sizes more anorexic?"

When the project is up and running, I expect the clothing sizes to vary from WT (Wafer Thin) to XXXWT (Extra Extra Extra Wafer Thin).

Prospective clients of Posh's fashion clothing range will be encouraged to limit themselves to a diet of Tic Tacs and water if they want to be able to fit into the clothes.

Who knows? David Beckham may even help his wife out by modelling himself in the clothes. It could be a bit embarrassing for him but he's worn more embarrassing stuff before such as the England football shirt.

Right, I'll get my coat.....

technorati tags:, , , , , , ,

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Stupid Tennis Injury

The award for the "Dumbass Sportman of the Day" goes to French tennis player Gael Monfils. Well, that's the general consensus from what I've read on sports forums.

Monfils, 20, apparently his IQ as well as his age, generally likes to pump his fists and play up to the crowd in his matches.

Well, the youngster was leading 6-3 2-2 against Dominik Hrbaty in the Masters Series Madrid tournament overnight and seemed to be in control of the match.

Monfils had just hit a winner and celebrated winning the point by jumping in the air. He then landed awkwardly and rolled his ankle. He could take no further part in the match and Hrbaty won by forfeit.

"I know my season's over, that's life. I'll just have to be more careful. I still don't really know how it happened"

.....'Cos you're an uncoordinated dumbass, that's how!

The Frenchman was taken off the court in a wheelchair and headed straight to hospital. I suspect shocked punters who put plenty of money on Monfils were also taken to hospital with heart attacks.

Right, I'll get my coat.....

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Halloween Costumes | Inland Southern California | Inland News

There are only 2 weeks to go until Halloween. People in America are desperately trying to get their Halloween costumes in readiness for the trick-or-treating season.

As highlighted from the above article, some have even gone to extraordinary lengths to grab their Halloween costumes. Burglars targeted a lingerie and Halloween costumes shop over the weekend, making off with nearly 100 outfits.

To me, Halloween is not such a big deal. It just seems like an excuse for nerds in America to dress up in their favourite "Star Wars" costumes. In fact, "Star Wars" nerds should be the prime suspects in this burglary.

How they conspired to steal the costumes.....

I sense a huge disturbance in my underpants.

Yes, I can see it too. Thy truly are mighty and powerful, oh dark Sith lord. What is thy bidding, master?

My young nerd apprentice, Halloween is drawing near. We shall need costumes. Gather them together for me. Steal them for the glory of the Empire.

No! I won't do any more work for the dark side. Stealing is bad. You're an evil person.

Good. Use your aggressive feelings, boy. Let the hate flow through you.

Hate, schmmate.....Go away, you wrinkly old man!

I can feel your anger. The hate is swelling in you now and in my underpants. Everything that has transpired has done so according to my design. I have foreseen it. Now take your friends and steal those Halloween costumes.

As you wish, master. I shall MSN the others with the plan. Bye.

*Takes off robe* DANG! I must get mother to wash this white robe.

Right, I'll get my coat.....

technorati tags:, , , ,

Saturday, October 14, 2006

Red iPod Nano

Well, it 's about time.....

Apple should have been offering a greater variety of colours for their iPods in the first place.

However, this red theme has come about mainly because of "Bono", the outspoken Irish rock star and lead singer for U2.

It's all part of Bono's latest campaign for fighting AIDS in Africa. He appeared on the Oprah Winfrey Show overnight telling viewers to buy "RED-branded" goods. Should be an interesting show which hopefully will be available for viewing by Malaysian residents before the year 2010, if we're lucky.

Apparently, a percentage of the profits for this program goes mainly towards buying drugs for people suffering from AIDS in Africa.

American viewers were urged to buy "Gap" T-shirts, denim jeans & jackets with the "RED" trademark, red "Motorola" mobile phones, red limited edition "Converse" shoes, red "Giorgio Armani" clothing & accessories as well as the red "Apple" iPod nano.

Respect to Bono for trying to make a difference in the world. But he does have his fair share of critics who think he is too preachy and lectures people too much. Maybe he can raise money from this segment of the community by selling them the following.....

It should come in "RED" of course.....

Right, I'll get my coat.....

Thursday, October 12, 2006

Musicians / Bands With Rubbish Names

The list of offenders include 80's group "The Thompson Twins". First of all, they weren’t even twins. I mean, come on, one of them is black. Then there's the fact that there were 3 members in their band.

Anyone who has seen "LL Cool J" on TV knows how much the guy loves himself especially when he starts to flex his muscles.

LL Cool J’s real name is actually James Todd Smith III. Well, one day "James" decided it would be a universal truth that "Ladies Love Cool James". When shortened, that became LL Cool J. What a knob. Someone pass me the bucket.

One of the most influential groups of all time were "The Beach Boys".

But what a bunch of phoneys. They had all these hit songs about surfing and they used to carry surfboards around. But none of the members in the group even knew how to surf: Except Dennis Wilson, who ironically, drowned.

When I first saw the posters of the Canadian band “Barenaked Ladies”, I was slightly disappointed as there were no bare or naked ladies.

Then I realised I had been expectantly drooling over a group of 5 geeky blokes. I felt so dirty and ashamed.

Next we have "The Righteous Brothers".....

Sure, they loved to dress the same but you guessed it. Bill Medley and Bobby Hatfield were not really brothers. Apparently, a U.S. marine once heard them performing and said “That’s righteous, brothers!” and the rest was history.

As for Danish band "Michael Learns To Rock".....

Pfff! More like "Michael Learns To Sing Crappy Love Songs".

Right, I’ll get my coat.....

Monday, October 09, 2006

Reservoir Dogs & Mr Orange

Look at the title of this blog entry.

You have just read the title of a classic film.....

.....& the name of the character who “rats” out his criminal partners because he is actually an undercover cop.

Ooops! Hope I didn’t spoil the movie for any ignorant dumbasses who have never seen this cinematic masterpiece. Hahaha

But come on, you deserved it. The movie’s been out for 14 years. You must be a real loser who’s been living under a rock if you haven’t seen "Reservoir Dogs".

Anyway, I promise there will be NO MORE SPOILERS if you continue reading.

Having just watched the movie for the 50th time, give or take 5, I can unequivocally say that this is the best film ever made in terms of "COOLNESS".

For instance, the word "FUCK" or its variation is used 252 times, without it ever sounding excessive.

The characters refer to each other by a colour system in order to maintain anonymity. The film is so cool that the characters don’t even need to use real names.

The black & white suits and shades worn by the main characters looked super cool.

Mr Blonde oozes coolness when he dances to "Stuck In The Middle With You" while torturing his victim.

It was made on a shoestring budget of USD 1.5 million. This film was over 100 times way cooler than "Waterworld" but cost over 100 times less.

Cool actors such as Samuel L Jackson, David Duchovny and George Clooney auditioned for roles in the movie and got turned down.

Coolest of all, my favourite character and the funniest in the movie, Mr Pink, gets to be the only one who doesn’t die by the end of the film.

Ooops! ANOTHER SPOILER. How owned do you feel now?

Right, I'll get my coat.....