Monday, November 27, 2006

Stallone Should Have Stopped At Rocky 4

I can't believe that "Rocky Balboa" aka "Rocky VI" is about to be released in cinemas. Particularly after that uninspiring piece of crap called "Rocky V". Yes, Sylvester Stallone will be donning the boxing gloves and getting back in the ring again. This time to fight the current world heavyweight champion Mason "The Line" Dixon.

The most ridiculous part of the plot is why Mason Dixon, supposedly an awesome athlete at his peak would bother to fight a washed-up Rocky Balboa now well into his 50's. Get this. One of the main resaons is because a computer-generated program said that a Rocky Balboa at his peak would defeat him.

So to prove that the computer program is wrong, he decides to fight an old and out-of-shape Rocky Balboa. Yes, fighting and beating up a pensioner will surely disprove that theory and prove them computer animators wrong!

As an indication of how crap Rocky VI could be, it turns out that Talia Shire who plays Rocky's wife "Adrian", will only appear in flashback scenes. I can only assume that she was so ashamed of Rocky V that she begged Sly not to give her a part in this latest sequel.

Instead her character has died. I think a similar fate awaits this movie. Apparently all the stress of watching her husband getting beaten up and interpreting his slurred, broken English over the years has caused Adrian to die of cancer.

Even Sage Stallone, who played Rocky's son in the previous movie, probably felt so embarrassed that he opted not to reprise the role. The son will now be played by some other unwitting schmuck who surely also will no longer have an acting career after Rocky VI.

From watching the trailer, it looks like the same tired cliches are going to be rehashed, including the meat punching scenes. I'm sure all real-life professional boxers train by punching dead carcasses. Well, it was believable in the 70s anyway.

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Rocky 6 could turn out to be one of the worst dramas or best comedies of the year. Since Britney Spears and Mariah Carey did not make a film in the past 12 months, this Rocky sequel could become the hot favourite for worst film by the time "The Razzie Awards" are handed out.

Right, I'll get my coat.....

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Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Beyonce Is Not An Actress

As if she wasn't embarrassed enough already by her crap acting in "The Pink Panther", Beyonce Knowles is returning to the silver screen yet again to reprise her one-dimensional acting skills.

In her latest pathetic attempt to become an actress, Beyonce will star alongside Eva Longoria, of "Desperate Housewives" fame in a supposedly sexy Victorian drama entitled "Tipping The Velvet". Beyonce and Eva Longoria will actually play the roles of lesbian lovers. Ooooo Errrr. Somebody pass me the fire extinguisher.

For those of you who actually have a life and don't watch "Desperate Housewives", Eva Longoria got her break in that series playing the part of Gabrielle Solis. You know, the materialistic chick who cheats on her husband Carlos with their gardener.

A highly implausible notion but as you know, gardeners on TV tend to look like this.....

And nothing like their real life counterparts who look more like Groundskeeper Willie.....

Anyway, Sofia Coppola is directing this bold film based on Sarah Water's novel about sexual repression. She wants Beyonce and Eva to take the roles of 1890s music hall star, Kitty Butler, and her lesbian lover Nan Astley.

So as you can see, Beyonce is cast as a singer yet again. Now there's the surprise of the century. At least that is something she'll be able to do well during the movie.

This project could end up being like the female version of "Brokeback Mountain", except crap. I suspect the film will have not very talented actors and will receive no critical acclaim. Oh yeah, just like all the other rubbish movies Beyonce has been in.

Right, I'll get my coat.....

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Thursday, November 09, 2006

Fergie's Amazing Weight Loss

A couple of decades ago I remember turning on the TV to watch the royal wedding of Prince Andrew and his young red-headed bride, Sarah Ferguson.

Marrying into royalty meant that "Fergie", as she became affectionately known, was bestowed the regal title of the "Duchess of York".

Several years later, after the birth of her 2 daughters, Princess Fergie had weight problems and her plump appearance became the butt of many fat jokes. The British media cruelly dubbed her the "Duchess of Pork" due to all the excess weight she had gained.

Throughout the mid 1990's Fergie began to lose the weight through a strict regime and her dieting success earned her the role as spokesperson for the global dieting consultancy "Weight Watchers".

I was surprised at how Fergie's diet and exercise program had helped her lose so much weight. She actually began to look semi-attractive again.

Soon Fergie attracted great interest in the entertainment world when she began to delve into singing and dancing. At the turn of the century, Fergie along with the "Black Eyed Peas" met with great success on the pop charts.

Fergie had now adopted a blonder and more athletic look. In fact it made her look damn fit and sexy.

Her prodigious musical talent coupled with her gorgeous figure and looks meant that her sexy image was gracing the pages of many magazines and websites.

This year she embarked on a solo career and her debut album is aptly named "Fergie: The Dutchess". It's quite a seductive album cover.

This turnaround in image by Fergie has been amazing. How did it happen so fast? My meagre brain is unable to comprehend it.

The transformation I have observed is a total mystery to me.

It's almost as though they were 2 completely different people! *eye roll*

Right, I'll get my coat.....

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Sunday, November 05, 2006

The Name's Bean, Sean Bean

What's your favourite movie starring Sean Bean? Mine is the one where he acts two-faced and tries to screw people over. Oh wait, he does that in almost all his movies.

Oooohhhh that Sean Bean makes me so mad! My blood boils every time I see him act sly or cunning in a movie. He looks like such a downright scoundrel too. I think it has to do with those shifty, calculating eyes, his rough looks and that upper-class British accent.

I first noticed Sean Bean over a decade ago when he acted in the James Bond film "GoldenEye" where he played the part of Alec Trevelyan aka Agent 006.

I initially felt sorry for him because he was helping out his good friend James Bond on a mission when he got captured by the Russians and was presumably killed. But as it turned out, Agent 006 had already defected to the Russians. He only faked getting captured as part of his plan to betray his good friend and the British government. Bad bloke!

When Sean Bean played the part of Boromir in the "Lord of The Rings" trilogy, he joined the fellowship as one of the good guys and swore an oath to protect the hobbits. Of course he managed to fool me again because he went ahead and did the exact opposite.

The sly, brooding weasel ended up deciding to steal Frodo's ring. The way he looked at Frodo and obsessed about his ring all the time, you just wanted to thump him. Always he was plotting and scheming. That is bang out of order trying to touch another bloke's ring.

If you're hunting for treasure with Sean Bean, you can bet that you won't be keeping any of it should you uncover the secrets of the treasure map.

In "National Treasure", him and Nicholas Cage jetted around the globe in search of various treasures. It came as no surprise that as soon as they came across some valuable artifact, Sean Bean tried to run off with it for himself and screw over his colleague. What a backstabbing thief!

Then he got really sly and cunning in "Troy". In the role of Odysseus, he came up with the idea to build a "Wooden Horse" in order to infiltrate the city of Troy. He hid in the belly of this wooden horse with all the Greeks' best soldiers. Once they got inside the walls, they emerged at night and slaughtered the sleeping Trojans. Very sneaky. Beware of Sean Bean bearing gifts.

If you ever have Sean Bean as your physician, do not follow his medical advice. Seek a second opinion as your life is surely in danger.

In "The Island", he played Merrick, a doctor/geneticist who pretended to care for the wellbeing of the citizens living in his centre. But really he was just trying to harvest their organs for the sake of making truckloads of money.

So as you can see, this man is a deceitful, snivelling, greedy, two-faced, lying traitor. I shall be fooled no more. In his future films, I shall be on full alert to see who he's trying to screw over next.

Right, I'll get my coat.....

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