Mother's Birthday

It's my mum's birthday today. She's celebrating her 58th err 50th birthday (for the 9th time). Today, she is somewhere back in sunny Australia. Meanwhile, I happen to be passing through a hole of a town that's infested with drugs, prostitutes and snatch thieves. But enough about Johor Bahru. Back to mother.....

To mark this occasion, the following is a list of lessons/values mum tried to instill in me as a child.....

I learnt that gambling is bad except when you do it during Chinese New Year in which case gambling is good?!?!?!

I learnt how important it is to burn paper money so that your long-dead relatives have enough cash to spend in the afterlife?!?!?!

I learnt that it was the Chinese civilisation who really invented spaghetti and pizza but that damn white devil Marco Polo stole the ideas and brought them back to Italy to claim for their own race?!?!?!

I learnt how to save money at expensive restaurants by ordering a refreshing glass of tap water as my beverage and ordering a delicious NOTHING for dessert.

I learnt that it is considered cultured to eat the intestines, ears, feet and any other parts of an animal that aren't legally allowed to be put in a meat pie.

I learnt about the meaning of the term "Catch 22". That is the situation where you get scolded for scoring low marks in a school test and also get scolded if you scored 99 out of 100 because you missed out on the other mark.

I learnt that there are only 2 real musical instruments worth learning called the piano and the violin.

I learnt not to be long-winded in conversations at the risk of boring people by repeating myself and making the same point over and over again.

So as you can see, mum thought it was important not to be long-winded in conversations at the risk of boring people by repeating myself and making the same point over and over again.

I learnt not to marry a "gwai-mui" / "ang mo" / "white chick" because they all smoke, drink excessively, gamble, take drugs, spend your money and will eventually leave you for a richer "gwai-lo" / "white guy" who also smokes, drinks excessively, gambles, takes drugs and spends all their money.

Conversely, I learnt that I should marry within my race because as everyone knows, Chinese women NEVER smoke, drink excessively, gamble, take drugs, spend your money or leave you for a richer guy.

Btw, did I also mention that mum taught me not to be long-winded in conversations at the risk of boring people by repeating myself and making the same point over and over again?

Right, I'll get my coat.....

technorati tags:mother, mum, birthday, chinese, asian