Monday, July 14, 2008

Rubik's Cube New World Record

I have vented my frustration in the past about the ubiquitous and annoying Rubik's Cube. However people just can't seem to get enough of it and continue to break world records on how fast they can solve this absurd puzzle toy. This nerd activity has got its own special name nowadays and is known as "speedcubing". The latest world record holder is Dutch teenager Erik Akkersdijk, who managed to solve the Rubik's Cube in just 7.08 seconds.

Don't let his appearance deceive you. Despite placing a cool pair of shades on his head, the guy really is a nerd by virtue of his startling accomplishment. I am absolutely flabbergasted by his time. How did he manage to remove the stickers on each individual square of the Rubik's Cube and place them back so quickly without tearing them? Begrudgingly, I have to give respect to this nerd because his new 7.08 seconds world benchmark is slightly better than my only recorded completion time of 23 years, 6 months, 13 days and 2 hours.

Right, I'll get my coat.....

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Sunday, July 13, 2008

Windows Messenger NOOB

I'm sure the majority of people out there have used Windows Messenger to communicate with their colleagues and mates. I was surprised to find out the other day that there are those who are not aware of the "Nudge" function. Of course, the "Nudge" function is that yellow funny face button on the bottom left hand corner of the Windows Messenger interface.

For the uninitiated, it allows you get the attention of someone you are trying to contact. It can also just be used annoy that person in general by sending them a ringing noise and causing their computer screen to shake.

Anyway, the inexperienced person in question, who shall remain nameless, saw someone's Windows Messenger screen vibrate and in sheer amazement, he inquired "Eh, why your window can shake?"

What a NOOB!

Right, I'll get my coat.....

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Friday, May 30, 2008

Diary of Michael Ballack

Ja! It is so easy, Manchester United comes to the Bridge at Stamford as England's champion and is leaving like a small child covered in tears. In the first half, my header is too strong. One - zero. I drifted into the gap like a fußball ghost and BANG!

Then Riccy Carvalho makes a small error and Wayne Rooney scores. But the crowd are not abusing Riccy, they know he has made a great season. After that arrives the highlight, it is my penalty.

All the paper and TV is asking me after the game, "did you feel the pressure before the spotted kick?" I laugh at their schtupid, small faces. I love pressure, it drives me! And I blast the ball in the goal. Tor! If you fear the pressure you should not be a fußball hero. Remember, when the chips are down on the table, the tough come in the kitchen.

Relax day. I went with my childrens, partner Simone and Riccy to Madame Tussaud's house of wax. For some minutes Riccy thought the dummies are real people. He asked me, "Mikey, why is Prince William and Elton John so quiet?" I explain him that they are made of candles.

We are making light trainings before the Liverpool half-final. Just soft stretchings and runnings. I tell Frank Lampard some advices about penalty shooting. Later we watch the other half-final of Manchester and Barcelona. It is a nice match, ja. But I feel sad for Barcelona. They lose to a team I destroyed alone.

Wow! What a big game. We were made scared by Liverpool, but we have reached Moscow. I knew Lampsy will score his penalty. He made a German-style kick and we were all so proud of him. It is incredible, I am incredible. In 2003/04 Chelsea is in the half-final of Champions League but without Michael Ballack in the team. They lose. In 2004/05 Chelsea is in the half-final without Michael Ballack and they lose. In 2006/07 Chelsea is in the half-final without Michael Ballack (I had big injury) and they lose.

Tonight Chelsea is the half-final of the Champions League with Michael Ballack and they win. Ja! Mit Herr Ballack Chelsea ist die finalist! I am the magic ingredient in this football meal. I am the keystone of the plan scheme. Liverpool is out. As Sir Alan Sugars says on his nice British TV programme, "You are SACKED!" I love The Apprentices Show. But why do they call him Sugar? He isn't sweet. Riccy has some nightmares about Alan Sugar's big, crinkling leather beard face. He tells me in trainings.

My head is banging, we had the party after the game. It finished at 4am in a London discoclub. The DJ was playing up-tempo musics as we were drinking much champagne and blond lager beer. At one point I went to the DJ and asked him to put on some of my favourite songs. But he didn't have David Hasselhoff. He tells me only house music and dancing numbers. I don't care so much. But I know Riccy was upset when he couldn't listen the songs of his preferred rockers Chris De Burgh and Bryan Adams.

Now the games against big clubs are finished until the final in Moscow, I can relax for a while. I want to go to the zoo with Riccy. He loves to see the furry animals.

As I am expected, a relax game against one of England's provincial northern sides with vociferous fans, all who wear the black and white tunic. Chelsea was feeling edgy in the first 45 minutes, but I calmed them in part two mit my excellent goal. Didier (we are of course friends, the argument over the free-kick ist forgotten) crossed the ball and I made a glancing head. No player of Newcastle was challenging me. They defended like some classical England's pub team. This is why you don't see England at Euro 2008. Who leaves the captain of Deutsche Fußballnationalmannschaft alone in the penalty zone? I punished the Geordie Army!

Now we have one more game to decide the champions. My cash money is on Michael Ballack and Chelsea FC to win the Premier League and dance around covered in smiles and blond lager beer. Then Moscow falls to Michael Ballack and Chelsea FC champions of Europe 2008. The party is waiting. Ja!

I make the next part of my diary after Michael Ballack and Chelsea FC are lifting the UEFA Champions League trophy. I love my life, I am Michael Ballack, a great talent and a hero to the Germans and Londoners.

Right, I'll get my coat.....

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Monday, April 28, 2008

Simon Cowell Rude Insults

One of the reasons I watch American Idol is for the neverending barrage of insults hurled by Simon Cowell on NOOB contestants. Despite his assertions, the criticism that Simon levels at contestants is not constructive at all.

Simon Cowell is a spiteful excuse for a human being but I guess that's why some people love him so much. He is magnificent to watch when in a fully fledged insulting mood. The putdowns are enough to get me to switch on. Well I'm definitely not watching for his boring sense of fashion and his obvious display of man boobs aka "moobs".

Some of his cliche critiques of contestants to describe their performances include "karaoke", "cabaret", "hotel lounge singer", "ghastly drunk performance at a wedding" and even "cruise ship singer". These are the more tame descriptions.

The more scathing comments include:

"You should sue your singing teacher."

"Did you really believe you could become the American Idol? Well, then, you're deaf."

To an androgenous-looking contestant, "Shave off your beard and wear a dress. I think you’d be a great female impersonator."

"I’m tempted to ask if you sang that the night before your wife left you."

"If you had lived 2,000 years ago and sung like that, I think they would have stoned you."

"You have just invented a new form of torture."

The truth is, this mean act portrayed by Simon Cowell rates very well on TV and long may it continue to entertain us couch potatoes sniggering away at home. The spirit of "Schadenfreude" aka deriving pleasure from viewing the misfortune of others, is well truly and alive on reality TV screens.

Right, I'll get my coat.....

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Sunday, March 23, 2008

How To Babysit Without Injuring The Kid

I've done a lot of babysitting in my life. Whether it was taking care of my younger brother or some unfortunate toddler who was left alone with us because their parents had a prior gambling engagement. I guess leaving a baby at someone's home is more responsible than say, unattended in the basement car park of a casino. The management at Australian casinos are not fond of that practice.

I've actually been an on and off babysitter for gambling addicts err, I mean, family friends, since I was 12 years old. Therefore, I feel qualified enough to impart some of my babysitting wisdom for the benefit of all you NOOBS out there who have never had to react to the tears and screams of a child.

First of all, a baby's head is not a basketball and you do not play in the NBA. One should use both hands to carry the kid.

Babies are not suitable substitutes for footballs or tennis balls either.....

Babies enjoy playing rubbish games that make you look childish and juvenile but try to indulge them with some tomfoolery that is not too serious in nature.

Make sure the baby is well fed. Avoid sharing your KFC meal with them.

Your arm is better than your tongue when it comes to testing the baby's bottle temperature.

Keep the baby comfortable, warm and dry.

Should you reside in Australia, it's probably a good idea to keep the baby away from wild animals such as dingoes. I once saw Meryl Streep in a film saying that "The dingo stole my baby" so I guess that must be true.

Right, I'll get my coat.....

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Friday, February 29, 2008

David Archuleta Will Win American Idol

Surely David Archuleta is the next American Idol. The women think he's cute and adorable. So do some of the guys at my gym, if you know what I mean? But this little fellow really can sing. David Archuleta also has a number of things going for him that will attract the teeny votes. He is young, likeable, humble, kind of good-looking and he talks with an amusingly funny voice.

As Simon Cowell said on the show, he is "the one to beat". The people in the audience can't stop screaming for him. Disturbingly, you can even hear some of the blokes in the crowd getting more excited than the chicks. Steady on chaps or other Idol hopeful Danny Noriega will get jealous.

An amusing thing about David Archuleta's performances is the big breaths that he inhales before singing each line in a song. It is so distracting to listen to that incessant gasping. The deep breathing is further magnified by the studio micropohones. Really, that gasping for air rubbish has to go.

Nevertheless, the producers of American Idol are pimping up David Archuleta every chance they get on the show in order to get more viewers to vote for their golden boy. I'm sure Ryan Seacrest won't mind either. David is probably the only contestant left that makes Ryan look tall.

Right, I'll get my coat.....

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Sunday, January 27, 2008

I Love Nole!

Serbian tennis player Novak Djokovic or "Nole" as he is known to his close friends and relatives, is a modern day sporting legend. Not only is he one of the most talented tennis players in the world, Nole is also the class clown of the ATP. I love the impressions that Novak Djokovic does of fellow tennis players on the men and women's circuit.

It takes a lot of research and comic talent in order to imitate his sporting peers. This skill has made Nole very popular with tennis fans. Although, some people may find his antics on court a bit annoying like when he feigns injury to get some tactical advantage or when he bounces the tennis ball 18 times before each serve. Maybe he should try and conserve some energy for the matches by bouncing the ball say, only 10 or 11 times prior to each serve.

Novak Djokovic is destined to become the world number 1 once Roger Federer goes into decline. The great thing about this is that the best tennis player in the world one day will also have such an amusing personality. In fact, Nole is so funny he should change his surname to Novak JOKERvic.

Right, I'll get my coat.....

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