Tuesday, October 31, 2006

What Juvenile People Do During Halloween

You can always tell who the juvenile delinquents are during Halloween. They're the ones over the age of 12 who still dress up in costumes in order to go around to people's houses uttering the moronic words "TRICK OR TREAT".

"Trick or Treat" is meant to be a greeting by children asking for treats (free candy) on Halloween. In truth, it's actually a thinly disguised threat. If you refuse to give them candy, they'll conspire to play a "trick" on you.

Throwing eggs and flour at the offending household is quite popular in some unruly neighbourhoods. I reckon that's a bloody outrage. They might as well rename October 31st to "GIVE ME FREE CANDY OR ELSE" Day.

But don't get me wrong. I like the idea of Halloween. I think dressing up in costumes is cool. Especially if your voice is still squeaky, you have acne-free skin and you haven't reached puberty yet. But sadly, I've answered my door to too many teenage/adult freeloaders before.

Then there are those morons (usually Americans) who decide it will be fun to torture their pets by making them wear cumbersome and uncomfortable costumes. Then they humiliate these poor animals by dragging them around the neighbourhood so that other morons can gush at how cute they look.

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Hello! McFly! Anybody home? Your pets already have fur coats. Putting costumes on them for your amusement is just doubling up and may cause them unnecessary distress.

Another tradition practised by the desperate and lonely superstitious, is the one where you look in the mirror at midnight on Halloween. Apparently, you will gain a vision of your future spouse?!

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You can't see me right now but I'm actually rolling my eyes.

Right, I'll get my coat.....

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Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Mother's Birthday

It's my mum's birthday today. She's celebrating her 58th err 50th birthday (for the 9th time). Today, she is somewhere back in sunny Australia. Meanwhile, I happen to be passing through a hole of a town that's infested with drugs, prostitutes and snatch thieves. But enough about Johor Bahru. Back to mother.....

To mark this occasion, the following is a list of lessons/values mum tried to instill in me as a child.....

I learnt that gambling is bad except when you do it during Chinese New Year in which case gambling is good?!?!?!

I learnt how important it is to burn paper money so that your long-dead relatives have enough cash to spend in the afterlife?!?!?!

I learnt that it was the Chinese civilisation who really invented spaghetti and pizza but that damn white devil Marco Polo stole the ideas and brought them back to Italy to claim for their own race?!?!?!

I learnt how to save money at expensive restaurants by ordering a refreshing glass of tap water as my beverage and ordering a delicious NOTHING for dessert.

I learnt that it is considered cultured to eat the intestines, ears, feet and any other parts of an animal that aren't legally allowed to be put in a meat pie.

I learnt about the meaning of the term "Catch 22". That is the situation where you get scolded for scoring low marks in a school test and also get scolded if you scored 99 out of 100 because you missed out on the other mark.

I learnt that there are only 2 real musical instruments worth learning called the piano and the violin.

I learnt not to be long-winded in conversations at the risk of boring people by repeating myself and making the same point over and over again.

So as you can see, mum thought it was important not to be long-winded in conversations at the risk of boring people by repeating myself and making the same point over and over again.

I learnt not to marry a "gwai-mui" / "ang mo" / "white chick" because they all smoke, drink excessively, gamble, take drugs, spend your money and will eventually leave you for a richer "gwai-lo" / "white guy" who also smokes, drinks excessively, gambles, takes drugs and spends all their money.

Conversely, I learnt that I should marry within my race because as everyone knows, Chinese women NEVER smoke, drink excessively, gamble, take drugs, spend your money or leave you for a richer guy.

Btw, did I also mention that mum taught me not to be long-winded in conversations at the risk of boring people by repeating myself and making the same point over and over again?

Right, I'll get my coat.....

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Thursday, October 19, 2006

Posh Spice Fashion Clothing Range

The skinny and not very talented Posh Spice is set to launch a range of fashion clothing on a website which is still under construction.

Stay tuned for www.dvbstyle.com folks. It should be launched later this year. I know I'm breathless with anticipation as I count down the days.

I presume the "dvb" in the website name stands for "Dumb & Very Boring".

Victoria Beckham has implied she is working with fashion designer Donatella Versace on new clothing designs. If so, I suspect Versace could design and make the clothes while Victoria could offer helpful suggestions like "do you think it would be better if we make the sizes more anorexic?"


When the project is up and running, I expect the clothing sizes to vary from WT (Wafer Thin) to XXXWT (Extra Extra Extra Wafer Thin).

Prospective clients of Posh's fashion clothing range will be encouraged to limit themselves to a diet of Tic Tacs and water if they want to be able to fit into the clothes.

Who knows? David Beckham may even help his wife out by modelling himself in the clothes. It could be a bit embarrassing for him but he's worn more embarrassing stuff before such as the England football shirt.

Right, I'll get my coat.....

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Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Stupid Tennis Injury

The award for the "Dumbass Sportman of the Day" goes to French tennis player Gael Monfils. Well, that's the general consensus from what I've read on sports forums.

Monfils, 20, apparently his IQ as well as his age, generally likes to pump his fists and play up to the crowd in his matches.

Well, the youngster was leading 6-3 2-2 against Dominik Hrbaty in the Masters Series Madrid tournament overnight and seemed to be in control of the match.

Monfils had just hit a winner and celebrated winning the point by jumping in the air. He then landed awkwardly and rolled his ankle. He could take no further part in the match and Hrbaty won by forfeit.

"I know my season's over, that's life. I'll just have to be more careful. I still don't really know how it happened"

.....'Cos you're an uncoordinated dumbass, that's how!

The Frenchman was taken off the court in a wheelchair and headed straight to hospital. I suspect shocked punters who put plenty of money on Monfils were also taken to hospital with heart attacks.

Right, I'll get my coat.....

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Halloween Costumes

PE.com | Inland Southern California | Inland News

There are only 2 weeks to go until Halloween. People in America are desperately trying to get their Halloween costumes in readiness for the trick-or-treating season.

As highlighted from the above article, some have even gone to extraordinary lengths to grab their Halloween costumes. Burglars targeted a lingerie and Halloween costumes shop over the weekend, making off with nearly 100 outfits.

To me, Halloween is not such a big deal. It just seems like an excuse for nerds in America to dress up in their favourite "Star Wars" costumes. In fact, "Star Wars" nerds should be the prime suspects in this burglary.

How they conspired to steal the costumes.....

I sense a huge disturbance in my underpants.

Yes, I can see it too. Thy truly are mighty and powerful, oh dark Sith lord. What is thy bidding, master?

My young nerd apprentice, Halloween is drawing near. We shall need costumes. Gather them together for me. Steal them for the glory of the Empire.

No! I won't do any more work for the dark side. Stealing is bad. You're an evil person.

Good. Use your aggressive feelings, boy. Let the hate flow through you.

Hate, schmmate.....Go away, you wrinkly old man!

I can feel your anger. The hate is swelling in you now and in my underpants. Everything that has transpired has done so according to my design. I have foreseen it. Now take your friends and steal those Halloween costumes.

As you wish, master. I shall MSN the others with the plan. Bye.

*Takes off robe* DANG! I must get mother to wash this white robe.

Right, I'll get my coat.....

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Saturday, October 14, 2006

Red iPod Nano

Well, it 's about time.....

Apple should have been offering a greater variety of colours for their iPods in the first place.

However, this red theme has come about mainly because of "Bono", the outspoken Irish rock star and lead singer for U2.

It's all part of Bono's latest campaign for fighting AIDS in Africa. He appeared on the Oprah Winfrey Show overnight telling viewers to buy "RED-branded" goods. Should be an interesting show which hopefully will be available for viewing by Malaysian residents before the year 2010, if we're lucky.

Apparently, a percentage of the profits for this program goes mainly towards buying drugs for people suffering from AIDS in Africa.

American viewers were urged to buy "Gap" T-shirts, denim jeans & jackets with the "RED" trademark, red "Motorola" mobile phones, red limited edition "Converse" shoes, red "Giorgio Armani" clothing & accessories as well as the red "Apple" iPod nano.

Respect to Bono for trying to make a difference in the world. But he does have his fair share of critics who think he is too preachy and lectures people too much. Maybe he can raise money from this segment of the community by selling them the following.....

It should come in "RED" of course.....

Right, I'll get my coat.....

Thursday, October 12, 2006

Musicians / Bands With Rubbish Names

The list of offenders include 80's group "The Thompson Twins". First of all, they weren’t even twins. I mean, come on, one of them is black. Then there's the fact that there were 3 members in their band.

Anyone who has seen "LL Cool J" on TV knows how much the guy loves himself especially when he starts to flex his muscles.

LL Cool J’s real name is actually James Todd Smith III. Well, one day "James" decided it would be a universal truth that "Ladies Love Cool James". When shortened, that became LL Cool J. What a knob. Someone pass me the bucket.

One of the most influential groups of all time were "The Beach Boys".

But what a bunch of phoneys. They had all these hit songs about surfing and they used to carry surfboards around. But none of the members in the group even knew how to surf: Except Dennis Wilson, who ironically, drowned.

When I first saw the posters of the Canadian band “Barenaked Ladies”, I was slightly disappointed as there were no bare or naked ladies.

Then I realised I had been expectantly drooling over a group of 5 geeky blokes. I felt so dirty and ashamed.

Next we have "The Righteous Brothers".....

Sure, they loved to dress the same but you guessed it. Bill Medley and Bobby Hatfield were not really brothers. Apparently, a U.S. marine once heard them performing and said “That’s righteous, brothers!” and the rest was history.

As for Danish band "Michael Learns To Rock".....

Pfff! More like "Michael Learns To Sing Crappy Love Songs".

Right, I’ll get my coat.....

Monday, October 09, 2006

Reservoir Dogs & Mr Orange

Look at the title of this blog entry.

You have just read the title of a classic film.....

.....& the name of the character who “rats” out his criminal partners because he is actually an undercover cop.

Ooops! Hope I didn’t spoil the movie for any ignorant dumbasses who have never seen this cinematic masterpiece. Hahaha

But come on, you deserved it. The movie’s been out for 14 years. You must be a real loser who’s been living under a rock if you haven’t seen "Reservoir Dogs".

Anyway, I promise there will be NO MORE SPOILERS if you continue reading.

Having just watched the movie for the 50th time, give or take 5, I can unequivocally say that this is the best film ever made in terms of "COOLNESS".

For instance, the word "FUCK" or its variation is used 252 times, without it ever sounding excessive.

The characters refer to each other by a colour system in order to maintain anonymity. The film is so cool that the characters don’t even need to use real names.

The black & white suits and shades worn by the main characters looked super cool.

Mr Blonde oozes coolness when he dances to "Stuck In The Middle With You" while torturing his victim.

It was made on a shoestring budget of USD 1.5 million. This film was over 100 times way cooler than "Waterworld" but cost over 100 times less.

Cool actors such as Samuel L Jackson, David Duchovny and George Clooney auditioned for roles in the movie and got turned down.

Coolest of all, my favourite character and the funniest in the movie, Mr Pink, gets to be the only one who doesn’t die by the end of the film.

Ooops! ANOTHER SPOILER. How owned do you feel now?

Right, I'll get my coat.....

Friday, October 06, 2006

I'm So Tough.....By Malaysian Standards

I'm so tough that I let my Indonesian maid iron my shirts.....While I'm still wearing them.

I'm so tough that I don't drink "100 PLUS".

I drink "101 PLUS".....Without a straw.

I'm so tough that I don't get diarrhea from eating "mamak" food anymore. The bacteria / germs see me coming and say "SHIT! It's him! Let's get out of here!"

I'm so tough that my Streamyx internet service doesn’t dare to go down.....The same applies for my ASTRO TV services during thunderstorms.

I'm so tough that if I were muslim, during Ramadhan, I would not eat at night time AS WELL. If I somehow decided to eat, I would not "break" my fast. I would "DESTROY" it!

I'm so tough that when I commit a traffic offence, the cops give me the chance to settle the "saman".....By offering to bribe ME.

I'm so tough that when I get into public taxis, the driver takes me to the destination using the shortest route and actually charges me with the meter. If I don’t like the Bollywood music they’re playing , the ride is free.

I'm so tough that even the stinkiest durians in markets/pasar malams are afraid of my smell.

I'm so tough that pirated DVD sellers will say "I am a lying, deceitful dumbass. I was going to sell you an unclear, incomplete version of the movie. But you look so tough. May I please buy you the original DVD?"

I'm so tough that all buffet restaurants go bankrupt and close down after I dine in once.

I'm so tough that vendors in Petaling Street will bargain the price down for me themselves.....While I stand there looking tough.

I'm so tough that Malaysian crime rates double when I leave the country on holiday.

I'm so tough that when I'm late, I don't need to use the petty excuse "I was stuck in a jam".

Actually, I'm so tough I don't get stuck in jams.

Finally.....I'm so tough that if anyone reading this doesn't link me to their site, I will hunt them down and spam their "Comments" field with Viagra & Penis Enlargement ads: Products which I don't need of course, because I’m so tough.

Right, I'll get my coat.....

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

My Exclusive Interview With Jessica Simpson

I caught up with Jessica Simpson last week. She's not the brightest person in the world so I used a Jedi mind-trick to convince her to grant me an interview. It worked! As you can see, the silly woman forgot to get dressed properly and turned up to the interview semi-nude.


Me: First of all Ashlee, let me start by......

JS: Errr.....My name is.....umm.....*checks her driver's licence*.....Jessica. That's right. My name is Jessica Simpson. Ashlee is my younger sister.

Me: Oh right. Sorry, you 2 look so similar nowadays with the blonde hair and especially after Ashlee's nose job.

Me: Anyway, thanks for making time for this interview.

JS: No problem, it's always great to get interviewed by one of my fans.

Me: Steady on woman! I'm not actually a fan, dumbass. I'm just doing this interview to get extra hits on my blog.

JS: Ooops! Mybad! There I go again, assuming that people like me.

Me: Well they don't. Especially after you butchered the song "Angels" by Robbie Williams. What were you thinking?

JS: You see, I can't write songs too well. I'm not that clever you know. My manager makes me do cover versions of other people's hit songs. He told me I could sell lots of records by looking pretty and showing off my body in the video clips.

Me: Well, you sounded terrible, what are your thoughts on singing lessons?

JS: I think any aspiring singer should make sure they get their voice trained by a professional.

Me: No, I meant, any chance of you taking singing lessons?

JS: No, I don't think and learn too well.

Me: Anyway moving on, you recently appeared in the movie "The Dukes of Hazzard". Did you enjoy making the film?

JS: Oh that was such great fun. I got to wear lots of skimpy outfits and sexy boots. The director was great. I only had to sleep with him once to get the part. In order to play the part of Daisy Duke well, the director gave me great advice to dress and act like a bimbo.

Me: So the perfect role for you then. Any plans to actually "act" in any of your future movies?

JS: No, my doctor advised me not to stretch my brain too much by taking on roles that are out of my natural character. It makes my brain hurt.

Me: Simple minds like you must enjoy the company of animals then? Do you currently have any pets?

JS: Yes, I love dogs. In fact, my dog's breath smells like dog food.

Me: Fascinating.

Me: I must admit, I recently bought the original DVDs for all 4 seasons of your reality TV show "Newlyweds".

JS: Oh, so you're the one.

Me: No, not really. I live in Malaysia. We buy only pirated copies here. Anyway, you and your ex-husband Nick Lachey seemed so close and loving back then. What is the most romantic thing Nick Lachey has ever done?

JS: Well on our honeymoon, I saw him looking at himself in the bathroom mirror and say "You are the most beautiful thing in the world".

Me: So he was in love with 2 people. Is that why your marriage failed?

JS: Yeah, he's a bit of an attention-seeking camera whore. Nick kept jumping in front of cameras and ruining my photo opportunities. That's the real reason why we divorced. But I think he still loves me. After all, I'm so blonde and cute.

Me: You once wanted to start a family with Nick Lachey, didn't you?

JS: Yes, Nick wanted to have many sons so they could form a boy band and he could teach them how to pose.

Me: Hypothetically speaking, if you 2 had a son, would you want him to be in a successful boy band like his father? Or would you rather he be a successful solo artist like his.....err.....Aunt Ashlee?

JS: Are you saying my sister is a better singer than me? That is a horrible thing to say.

Me: The truth hurts, dumbass.

JS: Listen, this interview's over. You're rude and you're mean. You haven't even won or been nominated for any MTV or people's choice awards like me. I've been nominated a total of.....*counts on her fingers*.....you know, the number that comes after 3. You're a nobody!

Me: A nobody?! I will have you know that almost 10 people read my blog this week! Oh btw, at least I'm the most talented singer in my family.


Right, I'll get my coat.....