The Art Of Karaoke

Went out on a karaoke night to celebrate a mate's birthday. The buffet dinner provided at the premises was excellent. The standard of singing was not.

Nevertheless, karaoke is certainly an entertaining activity, particularly with a fun group of friends. When engaging in karaoke, I think there should be a code of conduct or certain etiquette people should adhere to in order to prevent others from groaning and rolling their eyes.

For starters, trying to out-shout each other when there are multiple singers is not clever. It tends to get rather noisy and the singing sounds even more off pitch than normal because no-one can hear themselves. When it comes to volume, a good rule of thumb is: "Less is more".

Do not hog the microphone. It's amusing how people can't resist gripping on firmly to that hard, phallus-like object. Even when they're not singing. Microphones should be made available to all especially if you sound crap anyway. Sharing is caring.

If the microphone is not working, don't continually bash it while mouthing off abuse. Try switching it on. That should do the trick.

Song selection tells others a lot about your musical tastes, level of sophistication and possibly even your sexuality. A varied mix is the suggestion. Playing consecutive songs of "Westlife" or "The Village People" is especially frowned upon.

Alcohol not only makes other people look more attractive, it tends to make people think they are rock stars. As a general guideline, alcohol will not make your singing sound good unless everyone else is more drunk than you.

"The Greatest Love Of All" and "I Will Always Love You" should only be performed by Whitney Houston. Mere mortals who attempt to sing these songs within the confines of a karaoke room where people can't escape, are being intolerably cruel to their friends.

Right, I'll get my coat.....

Juice Detox Diet

I bought a food processor/juicer today at a funky-smelling department store manned by lazy, unprofessional staff. But enough about “Jusco”. Back to the story about the juicer.....

For those of you who live off meat, sweets and junk food, I'm talking about an appliance that crushes fruit and vegetables into liquid form. I’ve been on a detox diet of 80% fruit and vegetables since the start of the month and it can get tiresome munching on all this healthy stuff all of the time.

I figured it would be much easier to ingest this bitter-tasting health food as quickly as possible by turning it into liquid and then downing it in a few big gulps. Also I quite like the sound the machine makes when I crush the various shards of fruit and vegetables into a messy pulp. *eye roll*

This is actually my first detox diet and juicing is definitely the way to go. There is little preparation time involved and you can make many different concoctions. Still, how I miss all the tasty junk food that calls out to me everytime I pass a fast food franchise.

The annoying thing with eating all this healthy stuff is that you always get hungry. My stomach is indeed rumbling again. In fact, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.....radish. Time to fire up the juicer posthaste!

Right, I'll get my coat.....

Gay Games VII Chicago

I'm a big sports fan and for me this week has seemed kind of empty following the completion last Sunday of the World Cup in Germany and the tennis at Wimbledon. My impression from the blogosphere is that other people are suffering similar withdrawal symptoms from viewing elite athletes representing their country in rigorous sporting endeavours.

But fear not sports fans! Grab your rainbow flags because there is just 1 more sleep to go until the 7th Gay Games kicks off in Chicago. Homosexual competitors from 70 countries have descended on the "Windy City" to participate in 30 disciplines.

Most of these events are your typical sports while some events are more questionable. Dancesport is being featured and so is darts. Interestingly, there is no boxing. I guess there will be more lovers than fighters at the Gay Games. The most unique event I noticed was one called "Physique". I assume you have to turn up and look hot to do well.

It should be a very festive, merry and gay occasion in Chicago over the following week. I just hope no athletes get disqualified for testing positive to heterosexuality. From the looks of the athletes I doubt it.

Right, I'll get my coat.....

Idiotic Unsafe Drivers

Just got back from a road trip from KL to JB (Johor Bahru). Despite the numerous motor vehicle accidents and high fatality rate on Malaysian roads, it seems that motorists don't care.

People are racing up and down this North-South Highway at speeds exceeding 120 km per hour with blatant disregard for their well-being and more importantly, the well-being of others.

As a passenger you could pass the time away on this 4-hour trip by playing a game called "Spot The Idiot". You get points for picking out irresponsible drivers and passengers in other cars. The greater the idiotic behaviour, the more points you score.

The points system can be agreed upon by participants prior to the beginning of the road trip but here is a suggestion:

Changing lanes without signalling: 1 Point

A motorist spitting/hurling rubbish out of their window: 2 Points

The spit/rubbish hitting another motorist's vehicle: 2 Points

A motorist speeding down the highway with one hand on the steering wheel and the other hand being used for eating/smoking/talking on the phone/typing an SMS: 3 Points

An impatient motorist in the outside lane tail-gating another vehicle or flashing their lights aggressively to get them to pull aside: 4 Points

A kid playing in the passenger seats unrestrained: 5 Points ( I saw 2 kids playing together in the front passenger seat so 10 points for me)

Eyewitness account of a vehicle collision: 5 Points

Spotting a policeman pulling over an idiotic driver: 7 Points (Very rare to see. You should get a bonus 100 points if the cop leaves the scene WITHOUT receiving a bribe.)

And finally.....

Encountering a bottleneck of traffic because motorists have slowed down or stopped their vehicle to view an accident on the OPPOSITE side of the highway: 10 Points

This last one is the most baffling type of behaviour. For non-Malaysian readers, it is a morbid obsession over here among some superstitious locals, to jot down the licence plate numbers of vehicles involved in accidents and then utilise these "lucky" digits for purchasing lottery tickets *eye roll*

Remember, the majority of these things are taking place above the speed limit of 110 km per hour.

I say good luck to the authorities who have to drag the wreckage away and clean the human mess off the paved highways.

Right, I'll get my coat.....

Maria Sharapova & Her Male Stripper

WARNING: This post contains male nudity and disturbing hints of jiggly bits.

During Maria Sharapova's match against Elena Dementieva yesterday, a 29 year-old Dutchman decided to grab Sharapova's attention by running on to the court nude.

He tried to impress Maria with a demonstration of his athleticism.....

Dude, keep your legs closed!

Eventually the umpire called for "NEW BALLS PLEASE!"

And the streaker was led away, possibly to the nearest police station where I'm sure he will be very popular with fellow inmates.

Right, I'll get my coat.....

Junk Food Addict

I've started a health cleansing diet for the first time in my life. The many years of consuming fried treats, fast food and carbonated drinks has taken its toll. I'm still slim but the excess of delicious crap being fed into the system has recently caused a health scare or two.

So for at least this month, I shall be limited to a diet of:

80% raw fruit and vegetables

20% fish, eggs and nuts

which equates to 100% torture, for a junk food addict anyway. Beverage consumption is limited to water only, 6-8 glasses daily.

The signs that one is a junk food addict should be obvious, particularly if the following is true:

1) You have the website for "Dominos Pizza" bookmarked in your favourites folder for online ordering, and delivery phone numbers are set on your speed dial.

2) Whenever a Malay dude whizzes past on his scooter in the street, you immediately think of fast food delivery.

3) You start recognising the faces of the pizza/McDonalds delivery dudes and other fast food staff when you run into them away from their workplace.

4) You can name all the fast food outlets in your city that are open 24 hours and the ones with "drive-thru".

5) 50% of the mass in your garbage is comprised of pizza boxes, burger packaging, soft drink containers, branded serviettes and various unused condiments.

6) You set your alarm so you can wake up before McDonalds stop serving their breakfast menu.

7) You check your postbox in the hope that there might be fast food discount vouchers.

8) If you ever get lost, your emergency plan is to order fast food delivery to your address and hitch a ride back home with the delivery guy.

And finally.....If you look like this!

Right, I'll get my coat.....