Mother's Birthday

It's my mum's birthday today. She's celebrating her 58th err 50th birthday (for the 9th time). Today, she is somewhere back in sunny Australia. Meanwhile, I happen to be passing through a hole of a town that's infested with drugs, prostitutes and snatch thieves. But enough about Johor Bahru. Back to mother.....

To mark this occasion, the following is a list of lessons/values mum tried to instill in me as a child.....

I learnt that gambling is bad except when you do it during Chinese New Year in which case gambling is good?!?!?!

I learnt how important it is to burn paper money so that your long-dead relatives have enough cash to spend in the afterlife?!?!?!

I learnt that it was the Chinese civilisation who really invented spaghetti and pizza but that damn white devil Marco Polo stole the ideas and brought them back to Italy to claim for their own race?!?!?!

I learnt how to save money at expensive restaurants by ordering a refreshing glass of tap water as my beverage and ordering a delicious NOTHING for dessert.

I learnt that it is considered cultured to eat the intestines, ears, feet and any other parts of an animal that aren't legally allowed to be put in a meat pie.

I learnt about the meaning of the term "Catch 22". That is the situation where you get scolded for scoring low marks in a school test and also get scolded if you scored 99 out of 100 because you missed out on the other mark.

I learnt that there are only 2 real musical instruments worth learning called the piano and the violin.

I learnt not to be long-winded in conversations at the risk of boring people by repeating myself and making the same point over and over again.

So as you can see, mum thought it was important not to be long-winded in conversations at the risk of boring people by repeating myself and making the same point over and over again.

I learnt not to marry a "gwai-mui" / "ang mo" / "white chick" because they all smoke, drink excessively, gamble, take drugs, spend your money and will eventually leave you for a richer "gwai-lo" / "white guy" who also smokes, drinks excessively, gambles, takes drugs and spends all their money.

Conversely, I learnt that I should marry within my race because as everyone knows, Chinese women NEVER smoke, drink excessively, gamble, take drugs, spend your money or leave you for a richer guy.

Btw, did I also mention that mum taught me not to be long-winded in conversations at the risk of boring people by repeating myself and making the same point over and over again?

Right, I'll get my coat.....

technorati tags:mother, mum, birthday, chinese, asian

Posh Spice Fashion Clothing Range

The skinny and not very talented Posh Spice is set to launch a range of fashion clothing on a website which is still under construction.

Stay tuned for www.dvbstyle.com folks. It should be launched later this year. I know I'm breathless with anticipation as I count down the days.

I presume the "dvb" in the website name stands for "Dumb & Very Boring".

Victoria Beckham has implied she is working with fashion designer Donatella Versace on new clothing designs. If so, I suspect Versace could design and make the clothes while Victoria could offer helpful suggestions like "do you think it would be better if we make the sizes more anorexic?"

When the project is up and running, I expect the clothing sizes to vary from WT (Wafer Thin) to XXXWT (Extra Extra Extra Wafer Thin).

Prospective clients of Posh's fashion clothing range will be encouraged to limit themselves to a diet of Tic Tacs and water if they want to be able to fit into the clothes.

Who knows? David Beckham may even help his wife out by modelling himself in the clothes. It could be a bit embarrassing for him but he's worn more embarrassing stuff before such as the England football shirt.

Right, I'll get my coat.....

technorati tags:Victoria Beckham, Posh Spice, dvbstyle.com, fashion, clothing, clothes, Donatella Versace, design

Stupid Tennis Injury

The award for the "Dumbass Sportman of the Day" goes to French tennis player Gael Monfils. Well, that's the general consensus from what I've read on sports forums.

Monfils, 20, apparently his IQ as well as his age, generally likes to pump his fists and play up to the crowd in his matches.

Well, the youngster was leading 6-3 2-2 against Dominik Hrbaty in the Masters Series Madrid tournament overnight and seemed to be in control of the match.

Monfils had just hit a winner and celebrated winning the point by jumping in the air. He then landed awkwardly and rolled his ankle. He could take no further part in the match and Hrbaty won by forfeit.

"I know my season's over, that's life. I'll just have to be more careful. I still don't really know how it happened"

.....'Cos you're an uncoordinated dumbass, that's how!

The Frenchman was taken off the court in a wheelchair and headed straight to hospital. I suspect shocked punters who put plenty of money on Monfils were also taken to hospital with heart attacks.

Right, I'll get my coat.....