My Exclusive Interview With Jessica Simpson

I caught up with Jessica Simpson last week. She's not the brightest person in the world so I used a Jedi mind-trick to convince her to grant me an interview. It worked! As you can see, the silly woman forgot to get dressed properly and turned up to the interview semi-nude.

INTERVIEW TRANSCRIPT:

Me: First of all Ashlee, let me start by......

JS: Errr.....My name is.....umm.....*checks her driver's licence*.....Jessica. That's right. My name is Jessica Simpson. Ashlee is my younger sister.

Me: Oh right. Sorry, you 2 look so similar nowadays with the blonde hair and especially after Ashlee's nose job.

Me: Anyway, thanks for making time for this interview.

JS: No problem, it's always great to get interviewed by one of my fans.

Me: Steady on woman! I'm not actually a fan, dumbass. I'm just doing this interview to get extra hits on my blog.

JS: Ooops! Mybad! There I go again, assuming that people like me.

Me: Well they don't. Especially after you butchered the song "Angels" by Robbie Williams. What were you thinking?

JS: You see, I can't write songs too well. I'm not that clever you know. My manager makes me do cover versions of other people's hit songs. He told me I could sell lots of records by looking pretty and showing off my body in the video clips.

Me: Well, you sounded terrible, what are your thoughts on singing lessons?

JS: I think any aspiring singer should make sure they get their voice trained by a professional.

Me: No, I meant, any chance of you taking singing lessons?

JS: No, I don't think and learn too well.

Me: Anyway moving on, you recently appeared in the movie "The Dukes of Hazzard". Did you enjoy making the film?

JS: Oh that was such great fun. I got to wear lots of skimpy outfits and sexy boots. The director was great. I only had to sleep with him once to get the part. In order to play the part of Daisy Duke well, the director gave me great advice to dress and act like a bimbo.

Me: So the perfect role for you then. Any plans to actually "act" in any of your future movies?

JS: No, my doctor advised me not to stretch my brain too much by taking on roles that are out of my natural character. It makes my brain hurt.

Me: Simple minds like you must enjoy the company of animals then? Do you currently have any pets?

JS: Yes, I love dogs. In fact, my dog's breath smells like dog food.

Me: Fascinating.

Me: I must admit, I recently bought the original DVDs for all 4 seasons of your reality TV show "Newlyweds".

JS: Oh, so you're the one.

Me: No, not really. I live in Malaysia. We buy only pirated copies here. Anyway, you and your ex-husband Nick Lachey seemed so close and loving back then. What is the most romantic thing Nick Lachey has ever done?

JS: Well on our honeymoon, I saw him looking at himself in the bathroom mirror and say "You are the most beautiful thing in the world".

Me: So he was in love with 2 people. Is that why your marriage failed?

JS: Yeah, he's a bit of an attention-seeking camera whore. Nick kept jumping in front of cameras and ruining my photo opportunities. That's the real reason why we divorced. But I think he still loves me. After all, I'm so blonde and cute.

Me: You once wanted to start a family with Nick Lachey, didn't you?

JS: Yes, Nick wanted to have many sons so they could form a boy band and he could teach them how to pose.

Me: Hypothetically speaking, if you 2 had a son, would you want him to be in a successful boy band like his father? Or would you rather he be a successful solo artist like his.....err.....Aunt Ashlee?

JS: Are you saying my sister is a better singer than me? That is a horrible thing to say.

Me: The truth hurts, dumbass.

JS: Listen, this interview's over. You're rude and you're mean. You haven't even won or been nominated for any MTV or people's choice awards like me. I've been nominated a total of.....*counts on her fingers*.....you know, the number that comes after 3. You're a nobody!

Me: A nobody?! I will have you know that almost 10 people read my blog this week! Oh btw, at least I'm the most talented singer in my family.

INTERVIEW END.

Right, I'll get my coat.....

Gay Mate At The Gym

Excerpt from an email I received from my homophobic friend:

"I've got a gay mate. Known him for about 8 years. He's a really decent bloke. The thing is, recently he joined my gym. I see him there about 3 or 4 times a week. I'm getting a bit concerned about how to act in the locker room when we arrive at the gym or leave the gym at the same time. It's especially awkward when our times to shower overlap! Any advice on how to handle this situation?"

Reply to my homophobic friend:

G'day mate, I have a suggestion.....

Try growing up. If that's not possible.....

Tell your mate that you have a small penis and get embarrassed easily by it so you would prefer to change/shower alone. After all, honesty is the best policy. He should be put off enough to lose any interest. Remember to look embarrassed.

If you drop the soap in the shower, don't pick it up.

Don't flick him with your towel. That would be considered as flirting.

Don't smack him on the butt and say "Great workout. Time to hit the showers."

Alternatively, if he's actually interested and you're feeling adventurous, let him have his way with you. You might enjoy it. You're an England football fan, right? Just close your eyes and think of David Beckham. Here's a picture to help get you started.....

Right, I'll get my coat.....

Job Ad For Porn Movies Made in KL

My mate Tommy is a bit of a larrakin and sent the following job ad to me in case I wanted to spend my time in KL acting in porn movies.

This ad appeared the other week in a prominent Australian online job database and they're looking for an expat to work in Malaysia. Apparently Kuala Lumpur has a porn industry! 30-40 movies made each year for this company alone is a lot of porn.

My favourite part of the ad: "You will be expected to have sexual contact with a number of adult film personalities including Gay Male, Hetero & Homosexual Females, MILF and Midget Stars. Occasional contact with ANIMAL ACTORS may be required as well."

I said "No thanks Tommy, I love animals but I just don't wanna LOVE animals."

Right, I'll get my coat.....